“Barn’s burnt down – Now I can see the moon.” ~Masahide

Again, I am no wallflower...

2012-03-06T14:19:00.003-05:00

Shy isn't exactly a word I would use to describe myself. Not now, not ever.

I was never the wallflower, never quiet, never one to hold her tongue.

What I was could only be classified as uncomfortably self conscious. I would go anywhere and do anything with people who I already knew. People who already knew me. People who I felt comfortable around. People I wasn't afraid of being judged by. It was just more comfortable and easy that way.

I didn't make efforts to make new friends, I let new friends find me. And I can only ever recall approaching someone first out of absolute necessity and an overwhelming feeling of loneliness when I first left Newfoundland 11 years ago.

And while I have no regrets - because I know that I needed those walls at that time and I wasn't ready to take them down - I am not oblivious to the fact that I likely missed out on meeting some really cool people, and experiencing some really awesome moments every time I said 'no' to an invitation.

How I came to realize this was by being asked to assist with the make-up department for the local showing of RENT here in Ottawa. Years ago, I would have doubted my abilities, and more than likely declined the request because I would have felt....out of place, self conscious, not 'cool' enough, the opposite of awesome, too fat... I would have let my weight, and how I felt about myself keep me from taking part in something new...something awesome...something I now feel honoured to play even the smallest role in.

Nobody would have ever known that I was feeling those things. Not a single friend would have known that. But it is the truth.

And what a shame that would be if I were still choosing to hide instead of stand out. If I were choosing to eat and wallow instead of help others and take part in something meaningful and big, and full of positive energy.

I think this is why I like signing up for walks, runs, and races. And why I like coaching running clinics. It pushes me outside my comfort zone every time I have to introduce myself to someone new and talk in front of a group. It fills me with ridiculous amounts of positive energy whenever I am surrounded by kind, grateful, positive people...

Get out of your comfort zone! It's prettier out here, that's for sure. And as it turns out, people don't bite. Unless you ask them to, of course.

Have an awesome day!
xoxox
~J

Me first.

2012-03-02T12:14:00.000-05:00

I am a giver. Always have been, always will be. I like this about myself.

Except that I used to take care of everyone else before I took care of myself. I would throw myself into the fire so that they wouldn't have to. I would nail myself to the cross and carry the burdens of those around me. I would get knee deep in their shit and fix it for them.... instead of fixing myself.

I gave, and gave, and gave until I had nothing left for myself. I wasn't in tune with myself and my feelings to be able to identify when I needed to reel things in, take it easy for awhile, and it resulted in me feeling resentful, angry, bitter, lonely, sad, tired...but wearing a smile anyways! See where I am going with this? Nowhere good.

Dare I even admit this? Damn it! I think I was a martyr. I shudder at the thought of that, because it is a quality I greatly dislike in others...but safe to say, that was me. Giving, and then complaining about giving. Doing for others, and then complaining about that too. Oh! And never ever accepting help. God noooooo. That would have made way too much sense.

My ridiculously busy calendar used to be a crystal clear picture of avoidance: greasy breakfast dates with friends, errands, shopping, wing night dates, avoiding, listening to others, helping others, ice cream dates, movies, tv shows, pub nacho dates, sleepovers, friends with benefits, fixing other peoples problems, pizza dates, buying way too many new purses, hot dog dates, pedicure dates, greasy lunch dates...and so the story goes.

I was giving because I liked the feeling of being 'needed' and it gave me a false sense of importance.
I was giving with the underlying hope that I would get back as much in return. Without ever having to ask for it. Wtf?!

Now my calendar is a ~~crystal clear~~ slightly frosty (I am still learning) image of my priorities: work, love, friends, me time, much healthier food choices, walking dates, running dates, gym dates, coaching Running Room clinics (starting another Learn To Run starting March 19th), Film Club events, road trips, helping, supporting, volunteering, listening.... After I go to the gym and do something good for me first.

I am still a giver - this won't change - but I try to think of that ~~stupid~~ important airplane rule - putting my oxygen mask on myself, before helping anyone else!

And nowadays, when I give of myself, my time, money, energy or love, I don't expect anything back in return - because that isn't giving. It is giving with strings attached. Not. Fair.

No stone left unturned, I tell you...

Have an AWESOME day!
xoxox
~Jenn

I'm just as fun sober. I swear I am!

2012-02-26T10:05:00.001-05:00

I don't drink.

Let me clarify that. I don't drink very often. I'll be generous and say........6 times a year. In comparison to some, that is never.

It is my choice.

I don't drink because I don't really enjoy the taste of anything I have ever tried. Yes, that includes wine.
I don't drink because back when I was younger I had a few horrible! experiences that I remember all too well and never want to relive.
I don't drink because I personally don't like the loss of control - the feeling that I not only look like an idiot, but that I probably sound like one, too.
I don't drink because I don't like the empty calories.
I don't drink because I can have just as much fun sober.
I don't drink because I'd rather drive myself and my friends home and avoid atrociously priced cab rides.
I don't drink because I like to remember the good times, and not forget entire chunks of time.
I don't drink because I don't want to have to say sorry for my behaviour tomorrow.
I don't drink because I choose to spend my money elsewhere.
I don't drink because I really don't like the loss of energy and time the next day.
And I don't drink because I have lived with more than one alcoholic and what I have seen kinda scares me.

Do I care if you drink? Absolutely not. Have at 'er, as they say. Fill yer boots!
Keep it fun, keep smiling, keep upright as long as possible.
I will dance with you, laugh with you, laugh at you, go get late night food with you, drive you home afterwards, and meet you for brunch in the morning. Hell, I'd even clean up after you if you puked! I do not care if you drink. It is your choice.

If you are a jerky belligerent drunk though? Consider yourself ditched. Pronto.

If you are upset with me because I am not drinking right alongside you, well that says more about you than it does about me, doesn't it?

Me? I'd rather stay sober. Or maybe smoke a little pot from time to time and make friends with a Mars bar and some chips while laughing till my face hurts.

I do things my way, you do things yours, okay?

Have an awesome day!
xoxox
~J

Everyone needs a good therapist...

2012-02-24T10:11:00.001-05:00

I strongly believe in a number of things, but the two that are always at the top of the list are: We all deserve to be happy, and we all need a good therapist.

I went back to my Sent-From-Heaven therapist this week for the first time in almost 3 years. It used to be me trudging through the pieces of my abusive relationships with my boyfriend, my mother, and myself. Sitting on her couch, kleenex by my side, shoes kicked off, snotty nosed, going back and forth between bawling my eyes out, and laughing hysterically from the discomfort of addressing my deepest fears.

This time, it was to intelligently discuss my current role as girlfriend to a man who has an ex-wife, an 8 year old son, no clear cut and seamless schedule, the issues that go along with each of those things, and the effects they have on a relationship. Our relationship.

I sometimes find myself questioning what is 'normal' in a relationship - only fair, considering my limited experience. Is it 'normal' to say "I miss you" to the person you love, and have them respond with "We just spent the weekend together". Apparently it is normal when one partner is male, and one is female. My God, gender communication differences are so much fun! They amaze me - even on a friendship level. I'm looking at you, Lil 'E.

In any case, through talking with my Angelic Therapist, she commented that we seem to have a very solid foundation, and communicate well together - even loving the "How Important Is It To You" scale of 1-10 we have adopted.

The light bulb moment during this session - because there is always a light bulb moment and an opportunity to change for the better when you are open to it - was discovering how I perceive love according to The 5 Languages of Love.

As an emotional human being, we all have ways we show and receive love, usually falling in to 2-3 of the categories below. When you know yourself well, and your partner makes the effort to know you and be mindful of what make you happiest and most secure, you are on the right track.

To do otherwise, would be to land yourself in a vegetative relationship. Ummmmm....yuck.

Here they are, in order from most, to least important for me:

Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

I love learning new things! Growing! Changing!
Have an awesome day!
xoxox
~J

My self worth.

2012-02-15T10:54:00.000-05:00

I used to place my self worth and confidence ~~safely~~ stupidly in the hands of others.

How good I felt about myself largely relied not just on my weight, but also on how much attention I was getting, whether or not I was included in events, invited to parties, kept in the gossip loop, confided in by friends, and asked out for 2nd dates.

Now?! I absolutely do not base my self worth on any of those things, nor any of these:

Whether or not someone returns my call, befriends me on Facebook, ditches me on Facebook, says goodbye when leaving an event, says hello first, invites me along, tells me their big news first, gives me a gift, forgets my birthday, accepts my invitation to hang out, or wants to be my friend.

These things don't hurt my feelings, get me down, or cause me to feel badly about myself and my worth anymore. They also don't result in drama, wasted energy, or self doubt. It simply isn't worth my time or emotional well being to dwell on such things.

I have learned that if these random moments are anything more than a slight blip on your radar, that is a sign that your attention should be focused inward. Find your own happiness, have faith in your worth, and you won't give a shit if any of the above ever happen again.

Have an awesome day!
xoxox
~J

Soul Mate?

2012-02-10T12:09:00.000-05:00

When I read the following quote about soul mates, it matched my personal idea perfectly. Less Harlequin Romance, more realistic.

People toss those words around all willy nilly these days. You know, those same people who fall in love everyday and twice on Sundays? Yes, them. To each their own, of course...

By this definition, I am the luckiest girl alive. The people in my world inspire me, lift me up, keep me up, call me on my bullshit (some do it softly, others are more like a swift kick to the teeth), challenge me, and never fail to believe in me.

Surrounded by soul mates, I am.

I hope you are as lucky.
Have an awesome day!
xoxox
~J

New Record.

2012-02-09T11:48:00.001-05:00

Remember that time I was so excited because I killed my previous planking record?

New record: 2:02

Not bad, considering I hadn't done planks since I was working out in my endurance phase with Trainer Mike like 6 months ago. And even those were only part of a circuit so they lasted just one minute with feet on a bosu ball.

I love new records. Even if they don't shatter the old record. I love the bosu ball. And I love planks. They remind me that I do have abs. I do! They're in there! Somewhere...

Have an awesome day!
xoxox
~J

Same same. But different.

2012-02-05T08:45:00.000-05:00

You know when you have had a bad day because......
your kids drove you crazy fighting, crying, screaming all day?
your husband wants to go out again tonight and leave you on your own with those same kids? AGAIN!?!?
your ex-wife wrote you 15 emails that made no sense?
your boss was an asshole and yelled at you for something HE told you to do in the first place?
you had a fight with your best friend over nothing?
you current wife hasn't touched you in 8, 9, 10 months?!?
your mother made yet another snide comment about your weight?
you snapped at your boyfriend for no good reason and now he is rightfully upset?
your financial institution called and wants money that you don't have to give them?
your car broke down?
you got laid off or demoted from your job and never saw it coming?
you got a call from the school and your kid got in a fight today?
you live with other family members who drive you out of your mind?
you passed someone on the street today who called you fatass?
your ex-husband has left you high and dry to raise your kids alone, and all he has to do is submit monthly payments and you get the job of being both mom and dad, good cop and bad cop?

And all you want is a drink? or a cigarette? or to get high? or have sex? or buy another useless material possession to pacify yourself and get back to a place of calm? If only for a moment?

Well that is the same sense of calm that someone who uses food experiences.

Same same. But different.

Just so you know.
And now, hopefully understand.

Have an awesome day!
xoxox
~J

Family.....ties?

2012-02-03T08:56:00.002-05:00

fam·i·ly:

1. a. a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not: the traditional family.
b. a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for: a single-parent family.
2. any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins: to marry into a socially prominent family.

I met my ~~fathers sister~~ aunt for dinner last week. She was in town for work and wanted to get together. When she first proposed it, I thought about going. not going. going. not going. For weeks. Until I finally decided to go. At the very least, I had questions about my family medical history. Answers to questions that health professionals often ask me, to which I stupidly reply "I don't know" - having to then explain that I am estranged from that side of the family. If estranged is even the right word. Abandoned might sum up how I feel a bit better.

So off I go to meet her. All in a tizzy and bag of emotional nerves...

How odd to spend time with a relative that I don't have contact with outside of Facebook, and know that my father, her brother, has no interest in doing the same.

How awkward to have his name come up, and sit there for a second...debating what to call him, and finally settle on his first name.
"Dad" is earned, after all.
"Father" feels like a stretch, too.

How painful to sit there and want so badly to ask "why doesn't my father contact me?!?", but know that no answer would really ever pacify, comfort, or make me feel any better.

How fascinating to sit there, across from this blood relative who I have only seen 2x in almost 30 years, and discover that we are so alike in belief systems that I was almost bound to be a black sheep on that side of the family anyways.

So instead, we sat there and made small talk until we both felt comfortable enough to open up and share more intimate details of our lives as we live them now. Not glossing over the reality of the broken family we come from, but not dwelling on it, either. Accepting each other as individuals, offering kind words and reassurances where needed. Each telling the other at the end "I'm proud of you".... for living your life, for getting past your past, for losing weight, for being a good person, for being beautiful - inside and out, for being brave enough to meet up with each other at all....

It was, in a word....weird. But I am glad that I went. Blood relative or not, turns out she is a pretty cool lady who I would probably hang out with anyways.

I hope that you are having an awesome day!
xoxox
~J

No regrets. Just lessons learned.

2012-02-02T12:06:00.001-05:00

And in a lot of cases, forget WHO hurt you in the past. Even the bad guys can teach you great lessons.

The trick is to turn it around and make it a positive thing.
Get up! Dust off! Keep going!

Just. Sayin'.
xoxox
~J

Who are you to judge?

2012-01-31T07:09:00.000-05:00

I was walking with some friends last week, and we passed a bigger girl who was eating a piece of cake. One of my friends actually had the balls to say I hate that. Seeing big people eat bad food that they obviously do not need. She knows she shouldn't eat that cake, and she is doing it anyways.

He may have even tossed in a 'she's disgusting' - I honestly can't recall now.

But wow. I was floored by how condemning his comments were. And even more so by the fact that they came out of his mouth - someone who has only started living a healthy life in the past 2 years, who has lost 75lbs, and knows what it is like to be a bigger member of society.

Talk about judgmental. And maybe a tad hypocritical.

Without knowing this girl, or her journey, I jumped to her defense in a big way. I cannot believe you would ever say such a thing, you jerk. Need I remind you that you were once just like her - eating food you knew wasn't good for you, but doing it anyways. Nobody can dispute that you deserve credit for having changed your life, and only you know the reason why food was your crutch, but the bottom line is that you don't get to judge and condemn her for her choices. You know as well as I do, that when you carry around that much extra weight, it is because food is your drug of choice, but unfortunately, everyone can see it. Where people with food issues wear their problems like a technicolour dreamcoat, people with alcohol, or drug problems can hide far more easily. You should be sympathetic towards her and the pain she is probably in, and not be so fucking judgmental.

Safe to say, I was a bit pissed. And he ate humble pie for dessert that day.

Maybe I took his comments personally because I used to be just like her. Actually....for that matter, if you were to pass me on the street, without knowing me, how often I work out, and how much effort I put into making good choices for myself, you might consider me just like her still. This girl and I are built very differently, but we aren't that different.

That is what perception is all about, right? I do not look athletic, but I am more active than most people I know. But nobody knows my journey better than me...and nobody has earned the right to judge me for any of it. Not even a little bit.

Honestly, being overweight places you amongst one of the last socially acceptable discriminated groups out there. You can't be caught making genuinely unkind remarks about race, sex, age, or sexual orientation anymore. But if you're fat? You're fair game. And boy, do people like to play.

Without knowing, without understanding, and in most cases, without ever having been in their shoes, people judge overweight folks all the time. They offer unsolicited, critical, pointed advice, and they make rude, hurtful comments. Behind our backs, and to our faces. For the record, we don't need anyone to tell us we have a 'fat ass'. We own mirrors, dickhead.

What gives you the right to judge anyone, anyways? Your journey and choices are yours. My journey and my choices are mine.

I have boycotted places like McDonald's for almost 3 years now, but I don't smugly sit upon my throne and judge people who still choose to eat there. I try very hard to choose fruit and vegetables over chocolate covered almonds, and choose popcorn over potato chips - every day, those are the decisions I have to make. But this is my journey, and those are conscious choices that work for ME. Perhaps that isn't what works for THEM or they aren't ready to try yet. In due time, if and when they are ready, they will do the work. Maybe ask for help, maybe not. And maybe they will never be ready to change, or they just don't want to.

Whatever the case, it isn't any of my damn business anyways.

Nor is it any of yours.

Have an awesome day!
xoxox
~J

10 Reasons Girls Shouldn't Lift Weights.

2012-01-23T20:47:00.001-05:00

As. If.

1. You might break a nail.
2. You could even bruise a male ego or two.
3. You’ll eat properly and still be able to lose fat. Work of the devil!
4. You’ll look more like an athlete and less like a runway model. Skeletal is sexy, right?
5. You’ll be able to lift heavy things without asking a man for help, thus upsetting the balance of the universe.
6. You will be seen in public without high heels.
7. You’ll grunt, sweat and feel sore. So unladylike!
8. You’ll be proud of your pert bum instead of being self conscious about it like a normal woman.
9. You’ll be more active and confident instead of sitting around looking pretty. What are you, some kind of feminist?
10. You’ll be stronger, leaner and sexier – and we all know where that can lead!

Obviously a joke.
Stolen from Shay Sorrells - Biggest Loser season 8 contestant.
Re-posted by the girl who helped her boyfriend lift a 70-inch television onto the wall after he asked the boys for help, and nobody would do it.

Awesome!
xoxox
~J

I have a good heart.

2012-01-23T12:43:00.001-05:00

I spent time with an amazing, patient, understanding and supportive friend this weekend. She has successfully talked me off the ledge of insanity with my slow breeding numbers obsession - as detailed in recent blog posts...

And in chatting with her, I remembered the thing that used to make me most excited about this new healthy lifestyle, I had forgotten.

My heart.

Shortly after I started working out and eating better in August 2009, I took my resting heart rate to find out that it was over 80 beats per minute - placing me in the 'poor health' category. I remember feeling ashamed, and discouraged by that number...not fully understanding what it meant, or knowing how to change it for the better.

And now?!? After learning to run, cycling until my thighs are on fire, and ellipticalling through endless songs, playlists, movies and Dexter episodes, my resting heart rate places me in the 'athletic' category.

You may never say it by looking at me, and that is okay....but you cannot dispute the fact that I! Jennifer Bennett! am athletic. Period.

Now that is one of the coolest things I never thought I'd hear myself say!

It also didn't go unnoticed that my physically healthy heart, is running parallel right alongside my much healthier emotional heart.

Do you know your resting heart rate?

xoxox
~J

P.S. Thank you J.T.

Hard work. Dedication.

2012-01-21T20:02:00.001-05:00

Today marks 20 straight days of working out! 20!

20 days. And I feel great. Stronger. Prouder. Heart healthier.

In the past 20 days, I have burned 14 000 calories by exercising. Some of those earned calories I have eaten, some of them I have not.

With the exception of 'treat Fridays' (I don't count my calories on Friday nights), I have logged every snack, meal, and glass of water on myfitnesspal.

The reason I don't log Friday nights is to give myself a break from the madness of weighing, measuring and tracking. I also use that night to indulge a little bit. Maybe fulfill a craving I've been having all week. Sometimes that treat is Subway, sometimes it is pizza. But it is never a total knock-em-down-and-shovel-it-in-hand-over-fist-feast.

I have started taking a B complex vitamin to boost energy and metabolism, reduce the stress that I am sure I was placing on myself to get this weight off and also to replenish what I am probably losing by all this working out.

I took some flack for this 30-day challenge of mine. So I have promised some wise friends in the weight management and personal training profession that I will have some active rest days in there. As much as it annoys me to slow it down and take it easy for a day here and there, I understand the need for it and I have begrudgingly agreed to do it.

Stubbornly persist, and you will find that the limits of your stubbornness go well beyond the stubbornness of your limits. ~Robert Brault

I hope that you are awesome!
xoxox
~J

Apparently it's cute!?!

2012-01-19T09:50:00.001-05:00

My guy is away in Cuba right now. Probably on the beach and recovering from a night of debauchery with his best friends as I sit here with ugly winter boots on, bundled in layers trying to stay warm in minus 30 degree Celsius (minus 23 Fahrenheit) and write this.

-It is the 11th annual Boyz Trip.
-No girlz allowed.
-My first time being one of the girlfriends of one of The Boyz.

I will admit that I was nervous about it before he left. Although I am not entirely sure why. Insecurities? The unknown? All my own stuff, I know...
We are still relatively fresh in this relationship, and the blind unwavering trust that he has in me? I don't know what that is. And it makes me feel kind of sad to say that I don't have that in anyone. ANYONE.
A learned coping mechanism that I am working on...like everything else.

As the week has gone by, I have passed my time at the gym, out for dinner with a friend, a few appointments, some Dexter, a lot of Coronation Street, sleeping! I have relaxed into the groove of doing my own thing on my own time, staying in my bed alone every night, annnnnnnnd.........missing him.

Yesterday at lunch, the following happened:

Ry-Ry: When does the boyfriend get back?

Me: So excited! 4 sleeps! *sulky face* I miss him.

Ry-Ry: That's sweet! It's cute!

Me: No way! I feel like a frigging girl! Ugh!

Ry-Ry: That's okay Jenn. It is nice to see you like this, it's good to miss him. It means you love him. And you usually have your shield up so high.

Oh my. Big sigh. And here I thought I was such a mystery to people!

But it's cute? Really?!?

3 sleeps!!!

xoxox
~J

30 in 30.

2012-01-14T19:58:00.000-05:00

With all the numbers that surround the weight loss journey - the current number on the fucking scale (excuse my language, but I kinda hate that thing), calories in, calories out, weights lifted, pounds lost, the date you started, the minutes you work out for....bah!!! I don't even like numbers for Christ sakes!

Well, here is a new number for you. 30.

I'm going for 30 days straight of workouts. And I'm not talking about any pansy-assed workouts here. Today was day 13, and my lightest day so far was both Fridays with Trainer Mike for 1 hour of weight resistance training.

Ever hear about Jerry Seinfeld's personal productivity incentive? He used a calendar, and every day that he wrote new material, he would mark that day with a big red X, creating a chain. He then became determined not to break the chain.

So for the next 17 days, I intend to do cardio 5-6x a week, work out with Mike 2x a week, and add a little bit of my own weight training at the gym using machines, just to change things up a bit. And each day that I work out, I mark it on my calendar at work...

Even with the sniffles, and a very full social life, and a full time job, I will make it to 30 days. No wimping out. No excuses.

And after that 30 days? I'm aiming for another 30.

If you're looking for me, I'll be at the gym.

xoxox
~J

If working out is the punishment...

2012-01-13T15:06:00.001-05:00

Then eating supper is the crime.

If I heard someone else speak those words, I would be concerned about them, and their mindset about food. And exercise. But as I discussed with a close weight-loss-determined friend yesterday, this numbers game really does have the capacity to drive a sane person right. out. of. their. mind.

According to myfitnesspal.com, if I want to lose 1.5 lbs per week, I need to eat 1810 calories a day.

Seriously? 1810 calories?!?! That must be some sort of sick joke. Most days, by the time I am finished work for the day, I'm lucky if I have 100 calories left of that 1810. And I haven't even had supper yet!

So as far as I am concerned, and as sick as it may sound, if I want supper, I have to work for it. No exception. I either stay within that allotted amount, feel hungry and get cranky, or I work out and earn the extra calories.

That is how badly I want to be at a deficit on a daily basis. Is it determination? Obsession? Realistic? Maintainable? Attainable?
My mind never ever stops wondering these things.

Ever.

There isn't a single hour that goes by that food doesn't cross my mind. How many calories is that? what is my balance for the day? how hard does my workout have to be tonight? am I eating all my nutrients? can I have a treat? what's for supper?

Holy flipping hell, this is a time-consuming, rewarding, maddening, self-esteem-heightening, infuriating, muscle building, tedious, cardio-improving, emotionally draining, trial-and-error, learn-as-you-go, resting-heart-rate-reducing and absolutely necessary on going process.

No matter what though, I won't stop until I reach my goal.

And if I have to work out so that I can eat, then so be it.

I think I can. I think I can. ~The Little Engine That Could

Have an awesome day!
~J

So Unsexy.

2012-01-06T10:50:00.000-05:00

Sadly, I have always identified with the lyrics of this song.

Thankfully, as time goes by, they ring less and less true for me.
Guiltily, I can admit to occasionally setting my self-worth and confidence down, and forgetting where I put them for awhile.

Happily I can say that I am getting much better at finding them these days.
Lyrically, the last two lines are the key.

"So Unsexy"

Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly

One small sideways look and I feel so ungood

Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make

Me feel the way I thought only my father could

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful

So unloved for someone so fine

I can feel so boring for someone so interesting

So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me

One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated

Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me

Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated

When will you stop leaving baby?

When will I stop deserting baby?

When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me

I jump my ship as I take it personally

Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly

The moment I decide not to abandon me

Have an AWESOME day!

xoxox
~J

From the inside out...

2012-01-05T19:24:00.000-05:00

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

My boyfriend reads my blog.

2012-01-03T17:19:00.000-05:00

I know this. I write like he isn't. Like nobody is.

In response to the post I made earlier today, this is what he just sent me:

A well-known speaker started off his seminar holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it...?" Still the hands were up in the air. "Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. "My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, YOU are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special-Don't EVER forget it."

I am one lucky lady.
Awesome!
xoxox
~J

Unconditional love.

2012-01-03T14:51:00.002-05:00

Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of one's actions or beliefs. It is a concept comparable to true love, a term which is more frequently used to describe love between lovers. By contrast, unconditional love is frequently used to describe love between family members, comrades in arms and between others in highly committed relationships.

I am not all that familiar with unconditional love. I know what it is to give it out, but I don't know what it is to receive it. Not from my parents, and definitely not from any past lovers or boyfriends.

And because of this, I tend to live with the gnawing fear that if I don't say and do the right things all the time - behaving perfectly, standing strongly, losing weight continually, appearing confident always; the love I do have, will go away.

There. I said it.

This is a deep-rooted, dark, secret fear of mine. I have struggled with it, and against it my whole life. I have worked hard, set my own morals and desires aside, and I have given all that I have to experience unconditional love beyond that which I receive from my closest friends.

Now that I am pondering this, maybe I was hoping to receive this love from unhealthy people who are probably incapable of giving it? Seriously!? This light-bulb moment just occurred to me. I am so unbelievably happy that I didn't just spend $140 for an hours worth of therapy to figure that out!

*breathing a sigh of relief. i had always hoped it wasn't me. i was never really sure.*

My father. My mother. My ex. I wanted their unconditional love. I worked for it. Pleased for it. Longed for it. Did things I am not proud of to earn it.
I hate admitting that. It feels weak. But it is what it is. It is part of who I am was.

And now! Well, I am wading slowly into unconditional territory. Slowly, because it is hard for me to always trust it. Believe it. Hard to always trust and believe him.
Not because of anything he has done, but because of my voices, my limiting beliefs, my past, my sometimes debilitating insecurities.

I finally got the courage to ask him last week if he would still love me if I never lost another pound. A question that had been on my mind for awhile. Knowing that I will never regain all the weight that I lost, and that I may struggle and slide backwards sometimes, but torturing myself with the what if I am never any smaller than I am right now? What then? Will he love me?

My whole life, unconditional love was withheld from me, because of my weight. So when he answered my question with a 'Yes, I will still love you. Because I do love you. All of you.' I tearfully told him that I would work on believing it.

Exposing my darkest fears makes me feel weak, vulnerable, scared and exposed.
I hate (like really HATE) doing it. But if he and I are going to stand the test of time, I have to. Otherwise, he isn't getting to know the real me - scars, skeletons and secrets - as much as he would be sleeping next to a figment of my imagination, really.

And what good would that serve? I'm human. Therefore I am flawed.

But working on it.

Love me, love all my weak spots, too.

I hope that your day is awesome!
xoxox
~J

You are what you eat.

2012-01-02T22:38:00.002-05:00

Without question, I have been working out enough to lose weight. I vary the intensity on that effing elliptical - being sure to play with the numbers, create goals, and change things up to keep myself from going insane, and keep my body from anticipating what is next. I work at a minimum level 3, through levels 5, 7, 9, and sometimes even go to the highest level of resistance - 14. Never less than 150 strides per minute - because for me, that isn't good enough. I make sure I sweat enough to see the numbers on that goddamn scale move downwards.

I weight train twice a week to gain much needed muscle and change my body composition. I love how strong I have become. Seeing new found definition in my arms and shoulders is a thrill. I know that the more muscle I have, the more calories I burn - even when I am not working out.

The scale isn't moving. Obviously, it is not the exercise that isn't working.

Which only leaves the food.

F*cking food: It is my nemesis. And yet I need it to survive. How fair is that?!?

I love food. I hate food. The foods I love most, are the foods that are the worst for me. And my ass. And my health. I think about food all the time. I try to make good choices, plan ahead, count, weigh, track, and measure. As often as possible, I avoid temptation. Sometimes I fail moderately. Sometimes I fail miserably. I never stop trying. There are still occasions when my emotions get the better of me, and I find myself turning to food for comfort. Trying to fill a void or stifle an issue that I cannot always identify right away.

So this is me, continuing to try.

Fresh, whole, clean, natural foods. Heavy on the water, zilch on the empty liquid calories. Increase in veggies, decrease in chocolate. And pub food. And cheese. Watch the sugar intake, limit the carbs, bump up the lean protein. No. White. Death.

I don't really do 'resolutions'...so this is me, keeping on trucking...

xoxox
~J

Christmas 2011.

2012-01-02T10:32:00.002-05:00

Christmas holidays start off a bit rocky - navigating ex's, children, plans and schedules - you know the drill.

Christmas Eve with my besties - scallops and steak = YUM!

First attempts at stuffed meat of any kind. Homemade banana bread.

Movies. Jammies.

Going to the movies with me in my jammies and he in his - bathrobe included!

Popcorn. Snowball fights. Walks in the Enchanted Barbie Forest.

Cuddles with an 8-year old cutie.

Great conversation.

Secret fears tearfully exposed. Cuddles-a-plenty with my guy.

Gym time. Dexter. Electronic free Thursday!

Intertwined feet. Reading. Snuggled in front of the fire. Jammies again. Naps.

Familiar road trips. New pubs. Baking cookies. Pretty purple pedicures.

More gym time. New Years Eve dinner.

Kisses at midnight.

Sneaky secret kisses after midnight.

Whole day in jammies, never leaving the house.

It was perfection.

And now it is back to reality.

Reality kinda bites.

xoxox

Navigating Unchartered Territory...

2011-12-20T13:59:00.002-05:00

This is my first time dating someone who is amicably divorced.
This is his first time being divorced.
This is also his first healthy relationship since the split.
This is her first experience with divorce, as well.

Undoubtedly there will be some speed bumps to maneuver over, and we will need to create new rules and boundaries along the way as circumstances change and we navigate into new territory together...but ultimately apart.

I have some experience with this, as I was the new-chick-on-the-block once before. In some ways, it was easier to know my place and my role in that relationship because they had already sussed out the boundaries, and made great strides to move forward with their own lives and away from each other. They had both experienced new relationships, and created their own homemade families with new friends and partners. The expectations were clearly defined, and the communication was logical and concise - not swayed by the desire to greatly care for the other persons emotional well-being anymore.

Side note: We really only have control over how we react to a situation, not how anyone else will react anyways.

In an effort to redefine what the standards are for divorced couples, my guy and his ex are committed to being amicable and civil. As am I. Without a doubt. It is unquestionably in the best interests of their son to be friendly and even social on occasion with each other... understanding that in time, things will change, schedules will fluctuate, healing will continue, personal growth will occur, family events will happen, and we will remain unique individuals.

I figure we are bound to make mistakes along the way though... Which is okay I suppose, as long as we can work through it and come out the other side no worse for wear....

One thing I can say for sure, the 3 of us are genuinely nice people...hopefully being considerately aware of each others space and feelings, while each trying to figure out where we fit in this equation. Nobody wants to upset or hurt anyone else. And neither of us want anything to have a negative effect on their gorgeous 8-year old son.

It isn't always easy, and the harmonious road less-travelled by divorcees isn't for everyone, but the end goal for us is to live peacefully, happily, amicably.....separately.

Of course, these are just my observations as the new kid in town...

I hope that you are having an awesome day!
xoxox
Jenn

23.5 Hours.

2011-12-19T23:18:00.002-05:00

Every time I turn around, I keep hearing and reading that overweight people who exercise are much healthier than the inactive skinnier population, and here is a fun and interesting video that goes over this exact point. I have to admit that it does bug me, that people still so often smugly and incorrectly assume that because they are skinny, they are healthier than anyone else....

As if the size of your jeans can sum up the whole of your health.

I am a perfect example of this concept...

~I can out-elliptical, out-walk, out-run, out-cycle and out-weight lift many people I know.
~That said, I am not in competition with anyone other than myself to achieve my own goals.
~I am nowhere near a size small. Hell, I'm not even close to medium.
~My resting heart rate has decreased by 20 beats a minute over the past 2 years.
~Exercise makes me feel better - mentally, and physically.
~My arthritic knees are happier when I keep moving.
~I know that the number on the scale is important, but what those pounds are made up of is even more important.
~I sleep better when I have spent time being active.
~I digest my food normally now, and have been able to give up TUMS altogether.
~My blood pressure is perfect.
~My pee is clear, like a fresh squeezed lemon toilet bowl of water. (TMI!?)

So, here is the question...in case you don't watch the video...
Can you devote 30 minutes a day to exercise? How about 150 minutes per week? Can you do it for yourself? For your kids? For your significant other? For a longer, healthier, happier life? Can you cut back on the cigarettes? alcohol? television? McDonald's?

Bottom line: For any of the reasons listed above, that 30 minutes a day of active living is so bloody worth it. Even if you never squeeze your arse into a size 8. Or 10. Or hell, even a 12.

I hope that you're having an AWESOME day!
xoxox
~J

The Smile Project.

2011-12-14T12:46:00.001-05:00

Moving to the Mainland from Newfoundland 10 years ago was a hard adjustment. So many things are different here, and most of it I have managed to adapt to quite easily. The thing I have had the most trouble coming to terms with, is how stand-offish and reserved people in Ottawa specifically, seem to be.

Don't get me wrong, I love Ottawa. Really and truly, I do. It is an insanely beautiful, easy-to-navigate city. We have beautiful architecture, lots of history, loads of festivals and more fabulous walk/run/bike paths than you can shake a stick at. But the biggest difference I have found since moving here 10 years ago, is how rarely people make eye contact with each other. And even more scarce!?

How often they SMILE.

Which kind of goes against my entire nature, really.

I am a Newfoundlander.
I am happy.
I am a morning person.
I am Smiley McSmileston.
I smile when I am uncomfortable, when I am happy, when I am choosing my words carefully in an argument, when I am placing an order at a restaurant, or pretty much almost every time I interact with another human being.

That is the thing. We are human beings. And we are avoiding each other at all costs these days. We are on the phone, texting, driving, rushing, shopping, eating, living.
And trust me, I am not oblivious to reality. I swear, I really do get it. We are all so dang busy. We all have places to go, things to do, people to see, homes to take care of, and I think we can all agree that there are NOT enough hours in the day. But have we really gotten too busy to put on a SMILE?

Well, I'm not.

A couple of weeks ago at work, I started saying "hello" and smiling at every single person I passed in the hallway. We work in the same office together everyday so you would think we would all acknowledge each other, right? Nope.

More often than not, people are not holding open the door for the person behind them, they aren't saying 'please' or 'thank you', and they definitely aren't smiling. Not even those forced constipated smiles on cranky days. You know the smile I'm talking about.

The response has been good so far...I would say I am batting a 95% average for replies to my smiles and hello's. I can feel that I am already happier and, if you can believe it, even more smiley than I was before. People who had never acknowledged me in the past, are now saying "hello" back. It's a start, right? Albeit a small one. Next step?

Taking this SMILE PROJECT public. Shopping malls, drug stores, the gym, and I think I will go really crazy and try the sidewalk too!!!
Why don't you join me? Make an effort to smile more, and say hello to the people who aren't already engaged in conversation with someone - I bet it makes you happier to spread the positive energy. And it is such an easy thing to do!

My next project is a little old school, and it might be harder to put into practice, but you know what they say. Where there is a will...there is a way.

Ready for it?

Holding open doors for people and saying "thank you". Just like we are in kindergarten again, if that is what it takes.

In all seriousness though...a smile is a beautiful thing. It really does make the giver and the receiver feel great. Do it often enough, and it will put a bounce in your step, and renew your faith in humans when they start responding in kind.

Who cares if they think you just got let out of your rubber room on a day pass?

~I just like to smile, smiling's my favorite. Buddy The Elf

Have an AWESOME and SMILEY day!!!
xoxox
Love and SMILES,
Jenn

I am addicted to this salad....

2011-12-08T11:58:00.000-05:00

No joke. I make it almost every week, and eat it throughout the week in 1, or 2 cup measured out portions. People keep asking me for the recipe, so I am posting it here:

2 cans of black beans - rinsed

2 cans of corn - rinsed
1 cup of chopped pepper - whatever colour you like, and I usually do 3 whole peppers, but that's just me because the original recipe calls for onions and tomatoes, which I hate.
1/2 cup grape tomatoes
1/2 onions
1/2 cup chopped basil (I cheat and buy the squeeze tube of basil from the grocery store - add 2 tablespoons or so)
1/2 cup feta cheese - Ummmmmm...whoever adds only 1/2 cup of Feta ain't no friend of mine. I always add a lil' extra.

Dressing:

1/2 cup olive oil
3 tablespoons of white wine vinegar - I usually add a wee bit extra, cause I love it.
1 teaspoon mustard - recipe calls for Dijon, which I hate, so I use regular

Mix the salad portion together, make the dressing, add, stir. Add salt and pepper to taste.

I have started adding a little bit of carrot, to try it out, and will also try celery soon, too... I also add some extra spices, like maybe paprika, or chipotle - just for extra flavour.

Enjoy!
xoxox
~Jenn

I am my own worst enemy.

2011-12-07T11:49:00.000-05:00

So I posted 2 days ago about how hard this journey is sometimes. How hard it is to get to the gym, when what you really want to do is position yourself horizontally and catch up on Ellen and Coronation Street episodes. How hard it is to figure out what you're supposed to be doing in the first place, when your whole life has been spent doing something else. How hard it can be to sift through all the conflicting advice and information to find out what works best for you. How hard it can be to juggle work, a home, a life, the gym, finances, and your calorie balance.

And probably the hardest for me personally - how hard it is to shut off my hateful inner voice.

For so many years, I spoke to myself in negative tones, with hurtful words. And let's not forget that with the help of some key people in my life, I ultimately came to view myself as fat, disgusting, useless, good-for-nothing, stupid, lazy, ugly, and unlovable.

Sadly, I still sometimes think that way. Granted, it isn't nearly as often as it used to be, but it does still happen. I really do a great job of beating myself up far worse than anyone else ever has. Literally, or figuratively.

The great days, are the days that I catch myself doing it, and I stop it from snowballing into something bigger and worse than it already is.

The bad days, are the days that the first thought turns into countless thoughts. And I continue kicking the crap out of myself until I retreat, feeling all out of sorts, not quite sure what the hell just happened. All dazed and confused, I sit there mulling over thoughts like...

"Why would anyone ever love me? What have I really done to be proud of? Why can't I just get the last of this weight off? Why don't I work harder towards this goal? You aren't working hard enough! Who would ever want to make out with me when I look like this? You are disgusting."

You know what though? I wouldn't ever - like, not in a million years!!! - dream of speaking to my best friends or my lover, the same way I speak to myself sometimes. For that matter, I wouldn't even say those things to my worst enemy. And yet, I have no trouble thinking those things about myself. Wtf is that about!?!

I wish someone could break me of this nasty habit for good. I wish *I* could break myself of this nasty habit for good. I don't want to think this way about myself. Not for a minute. Not for a day. Not ever again.

And I know I am not alone in this...we all do it. That is why I try to make a point of telling people I care about that I love them, that I am proud of them, and point out their best qualities. I have some amazing, unique and truly beautiful people around me.

I think the trick might be to start trying to see ourselves the way others do. Maybe?

I'm hoping that is the key anyway. I'm going to try it...I'll let you know how it works out.

Hope that you are having an awesome day!
xoxox
Jenn

Ugh. This is HARD.

2011-12-05T23:46:00.002-05:00

Innumerable people have asked me how hard it was to lose 101 lbs in a year. And my answer has always been the same... "Eating better and moving more wasn't that difficult. Figuring out why I was turning to food for comfort and addressing my issues was the really hard stuff."

But you know what? Sometimes this is HARD. Sometimes, I have to suffocate the voice in my head... You know the one I'm talking about... "You can skip the gym today, it won't hurt or derail your efforts. It is just one day."

The math however, tells me otherwise. If I want to eat supper and still be at a caloric deficit, I have to go to the gym. Even if I already went to Trainer Mike's and weight trained for an hour. That isn't enough for me anymore.

I am hungry and tired, but I don't get to go home and relax..... Nooooooooo, I have to drag my ass to the gym to burn 535 calories on the elliptical so that I can eat a guilt-free supper of delicious and nutricious homemade turkey chili. The only other option is to restrict my calories all day, which will only result in hangry (so hungry I am angry) Jennifer. And nobody likes her much. She is a bit of a bitch.

And that is part of the obsessive twisted mindset that a determined person gets tangled up in. Instead of breaking even in the calories in/calories out daily account, I absolutely must land myself in the minus column before I can rest my weary head at night.

Sure, this is better than having to face major health issues like diabetes, or heart disease...but it just really pisses me off sometimes how consuming this whole process can be. And I am allowed to occasionally be cranky...and maybe even a little bit bummed that this is the bed I have made for myself. And now I have to ~~lay~~ sweat in it.

I just wish it was easier. Or that I wasn't in this position in the first place.

Ugh. Except that all of this has made me who I am. I guess.
*Grumble. Grumble. Grumble.*

I can't wait for the day that I am finally satisfied.

Nobody said it would be easy. They just promised it would be worth it.

I hope that you are having an awesome day!
xoxox
Love,
~J

P.S. Work hard. Hard work. Dedication. And be nice to people - because the world needs more positive energy.

Random updates....

2011-12-04T19:34:00.000-05:00

I haven't written anything in 8 days...mostly because nothing overly serious has happened, or been weighing on my mind. At least, nothing I have been able to wrap my mind around enough to write it out... So here are random thoughts and updates.

- My 21 Days to recreate better habits is going well. I am putting in extra hours at the gym, focusing on my cardio routine which had fallen by the wayside over these last few months. Some nights I go to the gym, as well as The Running Room for my walking clinic, or in addition to weight training with Trainer Mike. I am becoming a machine again. I missed that.

- I am down 3.5lbs in 2 weeks. A nice, healthy rate of weight loss. As long as it keeps going in the right direction, I don't care much what number is on the scale. Whoa! Check out that HUGE shift in mindset!!! It took me forever to get it through my head that I can be healthy and fit without being obsessed with the scale. Say what!?

- I went to see Prince in concert with my sweet man and 2 of our best friends last night. I love any excuse to wear red lipstick! Not going to lie, I wasn't sure what to expect. I mean, isn't Prince like 114 years old now? Let me tell you... he and his white high heels kicked up quite a show, and I have never seen so much energy in Ottawa, at any show. Ever. It was AMAZING.

- I feel overwhelmed with gratitude lately. For everyone, and everything that I have in my life. I really do have to pinch myself sometimes - I am so so so lucky.

- This morning I walked 16 kilometres. That's 9.94 miles. And it is really freaking far. But I did it. Despite arthritis and a lack of sleep, I did it. And it was awesome.

- I really cannot stand it when I smile or say hello to people and they can't even force a constipated smile in return. Quite simply, it is rude. RUDE. And I wish it didn't drive me insane, but it does. Like, out of my mind crazy. How hard is it to SMILE for eff sakes!?!

- It is December. Christmas parties, food and decorations are everywhere. I haven't even begun to think about it, or the money it will cost me. I would much rather give my time, love and attention to loved ones, than some material gift that they don't really need.

- I am loving http://www.myfitnesspal.com/!!! I aim for a calorie deficit everyday. It is like Facebook, for fitness. Status updates, comments, photos, and a bio. If you are a member there, add me - 1qtnewf. It keeps me honest and accountable.

- Lately, my mind is consumed with thoughts of a tummy tuck someday. I am certain that I will not be fully satisfied until I get where I need to be, and get that surgery done. This is just one of the things I am working on in my head for a better blog post later. But yes, I think about this every. single. day. Multiple times.

- Everyone is talking about bullies lately. And I watched this video today - this kid is AMAZING. I bawled my eyes out. I cannot believe that human beings can be so cruel and unkind to one another, and the comments on his video range from atrociously offensive, to spectacularly encouraging. What a shame that we can't treat each other with more kindness and love. I am sending Jonah, and all kids like him, heaps of my love.

- I need a pedicure. Badly.

- I should call my mother. And my grandparents. Not tonight.

See? Prince. Fedoras and red lipstick. And love. Does life get any better than this?

That's it, really. Just rambling. And updating.

Love,
Jenn

I know where I went wrong...

2011-11-25T11:08:00.000-05:00

I have been giving a lot of thought to all of the things that have contributed to my recent slip in this weight loss journey. There are a number of them, so here is the numbered list, in no specific order.

1. I stopped tracking my food. Over the last 2 years, I have used a few different websites, as well as the old fashioned pen and paper, but I gave up tracking altogether months ago, and only picked it up again last week thanks to myfitnesspal.com - which ROCKS! Thank you for your support, Anne.
Dear self, If you bite it, you write it!

2. In the time that I had given up tracking my food and counting calories, I had taken up eating mixed nuts. Mixed nuts with M&M's in them. 1-2 handfuls almost everyday. Well guess what!?! I measured them out the other day, added them to my daily food tracking on myfitnesspal.com and discovered that they were just over 500 calories! I ate 2 nuts and then gave the rest away.
Dear self, lay off the frigging nuts.

3. It is no secret that I have spent the last 6 months falling in love with my best friend. It is also no secret that I am a girl with many issues. Not least of which are fear of letting people in and eating too much food. Or moreover, how to deal with fear, stress, loneliness, and letting someone get close to me without food as my comfort blanket. I really did do a great job of FEELING my way through him breaking down my walls, but I also ATE part of that process because I was scared to let him too close. I do get a Thumbs up! though, because I only ate my way through....let's say 25-30% of the feelings, where it would have been 100% 2.5 years ago.
Dear self, It may have been scary, but you are past that now. Be strong. Go forward. Let him love you. And love him back. P.S. You can talk to him about this stuff. He believes in you.

4. I stopped focusing on cardio as much as I should. Walking 4-5 km isn't enough of a calorie burn for me anymore. Walking 10km is. Running is not part of the plan for now because of my knees, but I will run again. I am sure of it. Meantime? Elliptical, bike, walk and the occasional swim are my cardio best friends.
Dear self, Focus on what you CAN do, not what you CANNOT change. Your knees hurt? Get your ass on the elliptical.

5. I kind of ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it. Now, that never once meant diving in to a whole bag of chips, or a whole medium pizza. But it does mean that I did eat chips, and wings, and pizza. And they stopped being occasional "treats".
Dear self, You are allowed to have treats, but you have to earn them, and you don't get them multiple times per week. Aim for a calorie deficit daily. You will get there, and you can still live life, and enjoy the foods you love. In moderation.

6. I traveled a fair bit. I spent every single weekend in the summer road tripping all over hells half acre. I went home to Newfoundland for a week, I went to Florida for a week, and I went to Dominican for an all-inclusive week. None of which were done with much moderation on my part. Fail.
Dear self, You are allowed to go on holidays, but you are not allowed to eat like you have never seen food before. At the very least, walk some more to balance it out.

The bottom line is that I got complacent, and even felt deserving of a break. Since August of 2009, the number on the scale, and the food put in my mouth has consumed my every waking moment. I counted, I tracked, I worked out, I said 'no' a whole lot more than I said 'yes', and I got tired. Maybe I needed a break from the tedious task of keeping myself on track. And maybe I even deserved a break. Christ knows we all do sometimes.

Call it a mistake, call it a break, call it whatever you want...but I'm not done yet. I am reincorporating all the tricks that worked so well for me before, and I already feel 100x better for it.

At the end of the day, I owe it to myself. I am worth the effort.

I hope that your day is pure awesome!
xoxox
~J

As strong as I have to be...

2011-11-23T16:23:00.000-05:00

Here's the deal. I am a girl. Through and through, a total girly girl.

I like make up, nail polish, and purses.

Jann Arden, Alanis Morrissette and Adele are just some of my fave female artists, and pink is my favourite colour.

I cry at movies, commercials, and beautiful moments between people who surround me.

I wear my hair long, and rarely leave the house without mascara.

I'm not really in to dirt, monster trucks, really loud noises, bathroom humour, or guns.

I don't want to think about new tires for my car, or read the instructions on how the hell my new camera/tv/external hard drive works!

I don't want to caulk my windows, and I definitely don't want to go to Canadian Freaking Tire to buy stupid light bulbs.

I am also a really strong girl.

I can bench press 60lb dumbells. Yes, 60lbs. Dumbells.

Per.

Hand.

I own my home, deal with the bank on my own, and pay most of my bills on time.

I have been doing my own laundry and making my own lunch since I was in 3rd grade.

I have learned every single lesson in my life the hard way. The gift of foresight wasn't bestowed upon me, as it was my beautiful sister.

I have unquestionable resilience, and I have stood on my own for a very long time.

I am definitely one of the strongest girly girls I know. I am as strong as I have to be with my walls, my insecurities and my doubts.

It is exhausting sometimes.

And yet, I have longed to feel, for lack of a better term, taken care of.

Everywhere I went, I always had my eyes open, looking to find a genuinely nice, consistently kind man - not entirely convinced that I would find one, but knowing they existed because all my bestfriends are married to them.

I ~~wanted~~ deserved! someone I could lean on, share myself and my story with, and someone to help me carry the load, so to speak.

I ~~wanted~~ deserved! to find someone who is proud to be with me, gets why he is lucky to have me, and does the work to keep me....around, and interested.

My whole life, I always envisioned and hoped that I would fall in love with my best guy friend. And I did. Multiple times. They just didn't love me back.

Unrequited love is still love, right?!?

This time it is different though. The "L" bomb has been dropped, reciprocated, and we are finally past my holy-shit-I-am-falling-for-him-and-it-scares-the-hell-out-of-me stage, too.

We are in it. Not going anywhere. Doing it right, taking it slow, carefully considerate where his ex and son are concerned, and laughing our heads off every step of the way.

Finally! I feel so ridiculously lucky, so sweetly cared for, so gently understood and so strongly supported that I had to share. Because if it can happen for me, it can happen for you...I have no doubt whatsoever.

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!
xoxox
~J

21 Days...

2011-11-18T15:02:00.000-05:00

Confession time. I have fallen off the weight loss wagon. And I am not a person who has yet earned the right to forgo gym time for movie night, or salad for chicken wings. In due time, in moderation. But not right now.

I don't know where all my motivation went, but it seems to have gotten up and left me sitting here on my own back in my size 18 jeans.

There is a chance that I let myself slide out of 1st place on my priority list.

I am not happy with where I am.

I am not done on this journey.

And so today marks Day #1 of my 21 Days to Recreate My Best Habits program. Studies show it takes 21-28 days to create a habit, and that is what I need right now. My best success was when I had a schedule and stuck to it come hell or high water, and screw everyone else thankyouverymuch.
Very limited eating out.
Absolutely no eating out at places that don't provide nutritional information online.
No chocolate covered almonds.
Popcorn instead of potato chips.
Veggies instead of cheese. (*sigh. Dear cheese, why can't you be calorie-free!?)

So here it is:

I will find an online application that allows me to track my calorie intake, that is accessible at work, through stupid ^*$#@!( firewalls. And I will use it diligently.

Monday: Trainer Mike - weight resistance

Tuesday: Running Room walking clinic

Wednesday: Running Room walking clinic

Thursday: GYM. Non-weight-bearing cardio. Elliptical and/or bike.

Friday: Trainer Mike - weight resistance

Saturday: Off

Sunday: Running Room walking clinic

I have to make myself accountable, and I have to ask for, and take help wherever I can get it. Are you in?

Minimum of 6 hours working out a week. I can handle that.

I am most certainly worth that.

I hope that you are having an awesome day!
xoxox
~J

Dear Guests.

2011-11-17T21:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Guests,

We understand that you are in the middle of your honeymoon stage, but your ongoing displays of affection in public might be mildly annoying to the friends around you.

We also understand that while in this phase, it is normal to experience a heightened and sometimes insatiable libido. This may on occasion cause you to be late for dinner reservations, or require some extra attention paid to your housekeeping skills. This is perfectly normal, but definitely something to be mindful of, in an effort to minimize awkward and uncomfortable situations.

Cloud 9 really is a lovely and intoxicating place to be, so long as you also keep your pedicured feet planted on solid ground at the same time to maintain your independence, and individuality. These are just a few of the reasons you came together in the beginning, don't forget that.

Keep having fun and being honest with each other, as these are the building blocks of any solid lasting relationship.

Laugh as often as you can together. As you know, humour is a bonding aphrodisiac.

Don't be afraid to open up to each other, and expose those proverbial skeletons - love those, love each other.

Stand beside each other, stand up for each other and don't go to bed angry.

Never stop being bestfriends.

You are off to an amazing start, and I wish you all dee best,

Consuela

And The Diagnosis Is...

2011-11-17T14:19:00.001-05:00

I have arthritis.
In both of my knees.
Osteoarthritis, to be precise.

At 34 years old.

Quickly, here is some information:

Knee osteoarthritis is a degenerative disease of the knee joint. It is more common in people older than 40 years. Women have greater chance to be affected.

Here are the symptoms that I was experiencing that lead to me to go and get checked out finally:

Pain
Stiffness
Decreasing range of motion

Osteoarthritis of the knee is predominately considered a "wear and tear" process, where there is gradual degradation of the hyaline cartilage that covers the articulating surfaces of the bones in the knee joint. In most people, the disease is either post-traumatic or hereditary.

Or, in my case, and completely within my control: obesity.

Ask me how upset and angry I am with myself right now.

Here are the possible treatment options:

Pharmacologic therapy (Tylenol; NSAIDS such as ibuprofen, naprosyn, etc.; glucosamine/chondroitin)

Intra-articular injection (steroid or hyaluronic acid preparations such as Synvisc or Supartz)

Weight loss
Low Impact Aerobic Exercise (walking, treadmill, elliptical, bike or stationary bike, swimming or water aerobics)

Physical therapy. Aims of physical therapy include:

Pain and spasm relief
Reducing stiffness
Muscles strengthening
Increasing range of motion
Increasing flexibility
Gait training
Balance improvement
Patient education
Increasing functional activities
Hydrotherapy
Assistive devices (cane, walker)
Surgical treatment (when nonsurgical management fails to provide relief)

So, with this tidbit of news (like a 2x4 to the head, really), I have been given a maximum 5 year window to lose the rest of this weight before my knees really start giving me hell. I already haven't been able to run since September, and I miss it. Slow as I may be at running, I still prefer it to walking extra-long distances for the same calorie burn.

I certainly haven't done my body any favours all these years, with all of those chicken wings. And so I took last night, and I am taking today too, to be angry, upset and disappointed in myself. And then I will shift my energy to focus on what I CAN do, as opposed to what I CANNOT change.

I hope that you are having an awesome day!
xoxox
~J

The last 12 days.

2011-11-14T21:07:00.001-05:00

Pretty pink fingernails. Sleepovers. Road trips. iPods. Good friends. Plane rides. Cuddles. Movies. Scrabble. Kisses. Clear blue water. White sandy beach. Swimsuits. Beautiful bodies. Insecurities. Another brick off the wall. Discovering pina coladas. Laughter till tears. Piggy back pool rides. Swim up bar. Unwavering mutual adoration. Good mornings! Too much food. Linked hands. Sunscreen. Lost shades. Boyz Night. Drunken professions of love. High school make out sessions. Snacks. Room parties. Beach naps. Moonlit kisses. Unbelievable orgasms. Intertwined feet. Pillow talk. Male harems. Skeletons exposed. He loves me anyways. Honolulu Screws. Arm wrestling boys. Fedoras. Girlz Night. New friends. Water logged skin. Blackberry/Facebook/Email/Twitter-free. Bitches be crazy, yo'. Speedos. The arse is out of 'er. Oh. My. God. More kisses. More cuddles. More love. More making out. Late for dinner. Karaoke. Beach markets. Dear Guests... Road trip.

Home again.

Arse over tea kettle...

2011-11-14T06:32:00.001-05:00

"Head Over Feet"

I had no choice but to hear you

You stated your case time and again

I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess

I'm not used to liking that

You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it

It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole

You're so much braver than I gave you credit for

That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it

It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things

You held your breath and the door for me

Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met

You're my best friend

Best friend with benefits

What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before

I've never wanted something rational

I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it

It's all your fault

Off balance...

2011-11-12T23:14:00.000-05:00

“To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life.”

~Liz Gilbert

I am a closet tree-hugger....

2011-11-08T10:17:00.006-05:00

TREES

Trees know how to be. Just watch them.
They stand in stately magnificence to honour the splendor of the universe.
Some raise their arms in glory. Others bow in humbleness.

When they honour the nature of existence, they glorify themselves.
There is no resistance. They know they are one with nature.
Should a stone stand in the way, they grow around it.
If the wind blows, they bend with it.

When they break and fall, they submit themselves to their new purpose
Knowing that they continue to grow within that which grows after.

And so they continue magnificently – to be.

Sandra Christmas

Thank you for sharing this with me so long ago, D.
xoxox
~J

Eat Pray Love - aka my bible.

2011-11-04T20:53:00.002-04:00

As I was breaking up with the first real (and worst possible) boyfriend I ever had, one of my best girlfriends gave me the book Eat Pray Love. I wasn't ready to read it until about 3 months later, and when I finally cracked the spine of that book, I couldn't put it down. I identified with the writer so much, that it felt like she was inside my head, writing my personal thoughts and feelings out for all to see.

It is a book that I have read multiple times, that I listen to at random on my iPod, and that I will not loan out to anyone. I will buy you a copy before I loan you mine.

I'm taking it with me to the beach this week. Every time I pick it up, my internal light gets a little bit brighter, I swear.

If you struggle with yourself, your place, your esteem, men, life, finding your way, being yourself, your path to enlightenment...this book is for you.

That's all.
xoxox
~J

"In the end, I’ve come to believe in something I call "The Physics of the Quest." A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you’re brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you. "
~Liz Gilbert

“Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.”
~Liz Gilbert

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
~Liz Gilbert

"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.”
~Liz Gilbert

"Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing...”
~Liz Gilbert

"People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you.”
~Liz Gilbert

When I'm at my worst...

2011-11-02T12:04:00.001-04:00

I can think of countless times in my life when this proverb applied.

As a child from my mother.

As a teenager from my friends, who are my chosen family.

As an adult from the people I am brave enough to show my worst to.

Worn out.

2011-11-01T12:33:00.000-04:00

Check out my new shoes from The Running Room.

Built with stability for people who overpronate - like me.

And these are the shoes I bought in January of 2010.

Apparently 10 months is a pretty long time for a pair of shoes in an active persons life.

For the first time in my whole life, I have worn out a pair of shoes.

FROM EXERCISE!!!

It isn't like I wore them for years, booting around town running errands and going to the movies, for them to finally call it quits on me.

No, no... I wore these through a couple of running clinics, a few races, countless weight lifting sessions with Trainer Mike, trips to the gym, and now my half marathon walking training.

I! Jennifer Bennett! Wore out a pair of shoes from exercise.

In my mind, that's a really big deal.

When is the last time you checked the bottom of your shoes?

Hope that your day is AWESOME!

xoxox

Hey you!

2011-10-31T08:38:00.000-04:00

I can't think of a single woman in my life who doesn't need to use this as their personal daily motto. Not one. single. female. Which kind of breaks my heart...because from where I am sitting, every one of you is all kinds of awesome. Do the best you can for yourself as often as possible, and how could you be anything less than awesome, really?

I also wonder (like all the time!), why men don't seem to be plagued with the same levels of self loathing, self doubt and emotionally masochistic behaviour patterns that us chickens are. WTF is that about!?! I officially deem it un-fucking-fair.

That's all for today.

Have an awesome day!

xoxox

~Jenn

If...

2011-10-30T21:22:00.001-04:00

I am going to be some kind of Superhero, then I want a pink cape.

That's all.
xoxox
~J

I'm not perfect.

2011-10-30T20:40:00.002-04:00

I read an article recently that basically stated people use Facebook, Twitter and blogs as forums to paint the best possible picture of themselves. Why wouldn't we? Don't we all like to be admired? looked up to? thought of positively?

Well, I'm here to say that while I am genuinely and truly all puppies, rainbows and pretty rose coloured glasses, like 90% of the time... Like everyone else, I am not perfect.

-I am greatly affected by the energy around me. If it is erratic, dramatic, and negative, I will hold it at arm's length as long as I can, but it will affect me in a bad way if it gets too close.

-Now that I have stopped turning to food for comfort, I am constantly freaked out and overwhelmed by the feelings I used to stuff down inside. I haven't ever had to deal with feelings of loneliness, disappointment, anger, and frustration in a constructive adult way. I am trying so fucking hard to express my feelings lately, but feel like I am fucking it up. Huge.

-And here I am, writing, expressing myself. This pisses me off enormously because I am able to formulate thoughts, and write them out, but verbalizing them scares the hell out of me.

-Even thought I know how wrong it is, I still sometimes test the people around me. When I realize that I am doing it, however infrequently or insignificant the test, I try to think logically and stop it right away. That doesn't always work, and I alone, am left holding that.

-On occasion, I hold the people closest to me, to a higher than necessary standard...like they are superheroes or something. Maybe they don't know that the words "I'm sorry" are all I want to hear, or that what I need right now is some affection, attention or understanding. And instead of telling them what I need, I fester. That's not okay.

-I have always been strong. Like, my whole life, I have gone it alone. And letting people get really close to me on a deep level still scares the shit out of me. But when I do that, I do it with the hope that I won't have to figure it all out on my own anymore.
Yes, I am strong. But I am essentially as strong as I have to be to keep myself afloat.
It is exhausting.

-Instead of being honest and telling a friend that I can't continue to ride their emotional roller coaster for my own sanity, I will put distance between myself and that friend...but they are often left wondering where I went. That isn't fair.

-I sometimes have the unrealistic expectation that the people who love me will just understand me, saving me having to find the words to explain myself. That feels childish.

-Sometimes, I have overblown expectations of the people who I love.

-I struggle with showing people my less than favourable qualities, and speaking my mind...because of the fear that they won't love me anymore.

I'm a work in progress. I'm not perfect. Nobody is.

I hope that you are having an awesome day.
xoxox
~J

3 words I never thought I'd hear myself say...

2011-10-30T13:11:00.000-04:00

Just three little words.

They mean nothing to some people, and everything to others.

There are people who understand them, and people who don't.

Not everyone can handle them. Not everyone can do it. Not everyone wants to.

I invited this new thing in to my life.

I WANT this new thing in my life!

I have worked for it. And I have worked damn hard at it.

Harder sometimes, than I have worked at much of anything else.

I have made room, and time and space in my days for it.

I have shared it with others.

I have inspired others to try it themselves.

And I know in my head that it isn't all or nothing.

I know this, logically.

But I'm a bit emotionally topsy-turvy today.

And those three little words are haunting me.

I. Miss. Running.

#stupidfuckingknee

Never in my life could I have ever predicted that I would say those words.

Does this mean I am a runner now?

I hope that your day is AWESOME, and injury free.

xoxox

Healthy Boundaries...

2011-10-26T10:08:00.001-04:00

I used to flucuate between the 3 images on the right.

I am steadily becoming the girl on the far left.

I am a big believer in healthy boundaries.

I function better with them.

I don't need to explain my boundaries to others. They're mine.

I am happier and more surrounded now that I have taken down the walls. I am happier and balanced now that I practice healthy boundaries. But the lesson I am still trying to navigate my way through, is how to feel compassion for someone without taking on their pain and energy to the point where it affects me negatively.

I can't fix everyone. That was a hard lesson to learn, and even harder to put into practice.
I can't even help everyone. Certainly not those who aren't willing to help themselves.

I do not possess stoical qualities, and I am still learning to choose as wisely as possible, as often as possible to let only those with consistent positive energy who will lift me up - as opposed to drag me down - into my life.

Part of my healthy boundaries are not just learning who to let in, but who to hold at arm's length, and also who to let out. It wasn't healthy for me to maintain and hold on to a relationship with my ex's children and family, for example. We remained close at first, but over time, we moved on...and we are better for it. We were family for awhile, and they will always hold a special place in my heart, but we all had to move on. The relationships had run their course, we had moved on and found new people, and in order for all of us to move forward, we had to....you know what I am going to say next, right?
We had to let go of the past.

I'm not saying it was easy. I'm saying it was necessary.

Man alive, do the lessons ever stop coming? My Nana says no, they don't ever stop. She says that we never stop learning and discovering things about ourselves and life. Even at her age, which, come to think of it...I have no idea how old she is.

Side note: My Nana also says that all men act like children, and are easily amused like children. Even when they are 82 years old.

Have an awesome day!
xoxox
~J

Let Go.

2011-10-25T13:44:00.001-04:00

There was a time when I could not sit quietly by myself and enjoy my own company. In times of stillness, I found myself dwelling in a dark and lonely place that I believe can only be called 'Emotional Masochism-ville'... I would suffocate myself on old pain, choke on the words I should have said, commiserate about what could have been and obsess over the thoughts of why not me? and my favourite... what is wrong with me?

I was an expert at holding on to the past. Hoping things would change with my family, unable to let go of old friends like they were some sort of life raft and held my self-worth in their hands.

I believe that I was a little like water. I had a tendency to take on whatever form I poured myself in to. Or maybe I was more like a sponge, soaking up all the problems of the people who surrounded me, helping them, fixing them, working with them. A water filled sponge maybe? I digress....

Over and over again, I threw myself into new people and new things to distract myself at all possible costs from looking in the mirror and dealing with my own issues.

Until I had an epihany. The light came on, and I realized that the life I was helping others create, was the life I wanted for myself. The advice I was giving, I should have been taking. The walls I was helping others climb, were the same walls that surrounded me.

So I started doing the brutally hard work to uncover my most authentic self, and my deepest happiness. Consistent therapy helped me attack the voices that circled in my head over and over, louder and louder, until I finally won the battle more often than I lost it. Through writing and making myself accountable, I was able to beat my weaknesses and self-doubt wide open. And on my own, I finally threw down the hope that the past was going to change.

The past is the past. It shaped who I became, but it doesn't define me.

I grew to accept that relationships end for a reason. I discovered that there are lessons to be learned from every single person that comes in to our lives. There are lessons to be learned from every single person who removes themselves from our lives. There are lessons to learn from the people who did us harm, and didn't see the value in what we offered. And I learned to let go.

Only once I started letting go, forgiving myself, forgiving my past, and moving forward, I noticed that I felt more even, balanced, and content than I had ever imagined I could feel. A quiet contentedness that didn't need to be broadcast, because people around me could feel it in my energy. A calm, steady, joy that came from within, as opposed to all the external sources from which I had previously gone searching for it.

After some time, a lot of tears, and oodles of money spent on therapy, I distinctly recall the first moment that I sat quietly all alone in my living room with the sun pouring in and the feeling of being so enlightened…so happy…so fulfilled from within that I thought I just might burst.

It’s a feeling that comes on at random intervals now; when I am alone, when I am with others who bring me joy, when I am kissing the man I care so much about these days. It might seem like this feeling comes from nowhere, for no particular reason, when in reality, it comes from me. From the quiet knowledge that I am on the right path, doing the best things I can for myself as often as possible, and knowing in both my head and my heart that I deserve all the good things that surround me.

I went from being like water, to being myself.

Old habits die hard...

2011-10-24T16:00:00.000-04:00

I have never (like, never ever) been very good at asking for help. I have always (like forever and ever) taken care of myself, and done it alone.

But this weekend was proof positive that I am more surrounded than I thought I was, and I am also truly supported by the best kind of friends that a girl could ever hope for. To say that I am grateful would be a massive understatement.

Summing up last week, I would say that it was, in a nutshell, kinda shitty.

I spent most of the week beating myself up for having hopped on the scale to discover that I have gained some weight. I was kicking myself because I know what to do, but I slid off course for awhile. I berated myself because I stuggle so hard with expressing my needs verbally…yet I seem to have no issue writing them down...and to me, that feels silly sometimes.

I have been falling short, and because of that, I have been hating myself. As if my self worth is directly related to the number on the scale!

Dear self, The number on the scale doesn't define you. For the love of God, get that through your head! Oh, and you are NOT a failure. Love, me.

The reality right now is that I need help. And I have to practice being brave and talk about this stuff. In order for me to succeed, to get where I want to be, I need to be clear about the things I require from those around me, and I have to stop feeling like a 'freak' for having restrictive food and calorie requirements in order to meet my health goals.

Instead of traditional 'fast food', I need to opt for healthier options like sandwichs, soups, and salads. Instead of chocolate cake, I need to choose chocolate avocado pudding with fresh fruit. Instead of chips, lets make it popcorn. Instead of juice, pop and alcohol, I'll have water please. Instead of driving 2km for breakfast, lets walk. Instead of a cheese based supper, lets have fish and bean salad.

Instead of shutting down and holding it all in, I will take a deep breath, count to 3, and ask for help.

Last week, I learned that its okay to make mistakes. Its okay to slide backwards, as long as you don't slide back to ground zero. Its okay to talk to your closest people and lean on them ever-so-slightly for support. I learned that I am not a 'freak' for wanting to eat perfectly healthy food at least 80% of the time. And I learned that the family I have chosen for myself will love and support me no matter what.

And if they end up feeling better because they joined me, well that’s the ~~icing on the cake~~ the lemon in their water and the extra room in their pants.

xoxox
Jenn

I wish...

2011-10-18T09:42:00.000-04:00

I wish I was a girl who could eat whatever she wanted. In moderation.

I wish I was a girl who instinctively knew what moderation really was, instead of having to concentrate so hard on finding that balance.

I wish I was a girl who could eat what everyone else is eating.

I wish I was a girl who could go to a dinner party without the anxiety of wondering what will be served.

I wish I was a girl who was able to restrain herself from eating too much of a good thing.

I wish I was a girl who loved vegetables, and didn't have to find creative ways to sneak them in.

I wish I was a girl who had always been able to see herself the way others saw her.

I wish I was a girl who had a carefree approach to food.

I wish I was a girl who had always known how to eat to fuel her body instead of comfort her soul.

I wish I was a girl who had always known how to exercise and treat her body and herself well.

I wish I was a girl who didn't have to plan and think about calories, balance, and nutrition all. the. time.

I wish so badly that I wasn't a girl with food issues.

But I am a girl with food issues. I have to live with that. And I did it to myself. As a child, I turned to food for comfort and sheild, and as an adult it became a full blown problem. A lifelong problem in fact, that I fear may never fully go away. I sometimes embrace that this will probably be a struggle for the rest of my days, and I am truly okay with that. And then I forget for a little while, and I slip, slide backwards a little bit, until I remember again... "Oh right. You're that girl."

I like her. I like me. I like that girl.

Without all those issues and struggles and lessons, I wouldn't be who I am today.

I like her. I like me. I like that girl.

I'm a work in progress, and I may never be done.

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day. You deserve it.

xoxox
~J

No Drama Zone.

2011-10-13T07:13:00.002-04:00

This is where I live.

Please don't bring Drama to my door.

Getting tangled in a web of 'he said she said' is not my idea of a good time.

Leave Narrow Mind, and Judgement behind, too.

Don't bring your friends Guilt or Overblown Expectation with you either.

I won't answer the door, and I definitely won't come out to play.

These guilt trips you try to give me are gifts that I must refuse.

I believe in compassion and empathy, but I will not give you all of me.

I make a habit out of building healthy boundaries now, you see.

Unless you have walked in my shoes, please don't pretend to know me.

The same as I will never assume that I have all the answers to unlock you.

I march to the beat of my own band, please don't ask me to conform.

Any efforts to stifle my voice will only prove to be an exercise in futility.

Riding a roller coaster of emotions can't be very much fun.

It isn't fun for the people around you.

The past is the past. Let it go.

Having positive energy draws people in.

Having negative energy pushes people out.

Believe in me, as I believe in you.

We all deserve to be happy.

This is where I live.

It's pretty here.

Let go.

A picture is worth a thousand words...

2011-10-11T21:43:00.000-04:00

Nuff said.

xoxox
~J

Appropriate quote for today...

2011-10-06T14:13:00.000-04:00

And just like that, like I was meant to see this quote today, I get this little gem in my inbox:
"Whatever someone did to you in the past has no power over the present." - Oprah

Applicable after the post I made earlier today.
As usual, she's right. Just sayin'.
xoxox
~Jenn

Dear Dad.

2011-10-06T11:42:00.002-04:00

Dear Dad,

Let me start this letter by saying we are all entitled to our own version of the truth, and this is mine. That is the beauty of perception, after all. Let me also state, right from the top, that I am pissed off at you. And this letter, which I will never send, won't be pretty, or politically correct, or even all that censored.

I often find myself wondering how anyone could ever knowingly leave their children. I specify knowingly, because you knew we existed. You held me in your arms when I was a newborn. You were there when I learned to crawl and walk. You knew me as a little person. You knew us as sweet, growing, learning, innocent wide eyed beautiful little girls, Jules and I. And you still somehow managed to walk away from the both of us.

And never fucking come back.

No Christmas cards, no birthday cards, no Valentine's chocolates, or Easter egg treats.

Not even a phone call.

Over the years, I have tried to understand how this seemed even remotely reasonable to you. How did you justify it in your head that it was okay to go about life taking the easy road and paying child support, but not by doing what would have made a difference and actually showing up?

Did it ever occur to you that we may have wanted, nay, needed a steady male role model in our lives? Have you ever stopped to consider the ramifications of what it's like to grow up knowing that your parent had a choice, and chose to leave? Have you ever thought about the messages that your decision sent to your two beautiful daughters?

Accurate or not, the message received was this: "You are unloveable. You are not worth the fight, the effort, the time. You are not worthy of being loved by the person who should love and protect you the most."

Have you ever felt the weight of the subsequent behaviour patterns that come from having the most important male role model in your life bail on you? Well, let's start with promiscuity, closet eating, over eating, and finish with an almost compulsive desire to please people and have everyone like me.

This desperate and delusional need to please people, keep the peace every-fricking-where I go, fix everyone and everything around me, and be loved unconditionally ultimately led me straight into the arms of a sociopath, might I add. So thanks for that too.

I wasn't even 5 when you left. I wasn't done building the foundation of who I would later become, and I wasn't done acquiring the fundamental qualities and abilities that people need to succeed in life. As an example, the abilities to trust, and open up to others; the never ending chase for love and acceptance that led me all over hell's half acre; and I really could have lived without the gnawing fear of abandonment I have wrestled with my whole life, too.

I remember being so excited when I sought you out at age 17, and came to visit with you - meeting 2 aunts, 2 uncles, 7 cousins, my paternal grandmother, and your new wife. I remember choking on the word 'dad' and using it only out of necessity the first time, and how weird that felt for me. Had you waited all those years to hear that word? Do you miss it still?

The way I remember it, that trip ended and our relationship continued for a couple of years...on my effort, time and committment, until I realized that I was carrying it for the both of us, and I finally put it down.

That was a big life lesson for me that really only sank in 10+ years later --- I cannot carry relationships with people who are not stable, consistant, and equal participants. It isn't fair to me, and I deserve better than that.

I remember asking you at that time why you hadn't called all of those years...and why you still weren't calling now that we had re-connected. Your response was something along the lines of you "didn't want my mom to answer the phone and you have to ask for me. That would be uncomfortable."

Wow. I cannot believe I accepted that bullshit as an answer.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you entirely for all of the adult choices I have made - some of them being stellar, after all - but the irrefutable fact of the matter, is that all of these self-destructive behaviour patterns stem from somewhere...and I lay that first brick in the foundation on you. How do you like them apples? What would you say if you knew all of this? Would you even care?

I wonder that sometimes. Do you even care about Jules or I? Care what we are doing? Where we are in the world? In our lives? What we look like? Are we happy? Married? Do you wonder if you have grandchildren? Do you ever think about contacting either of us? It's not like it would be hard to do...thanks to the internet and Facebook, we are both ridiculously accessible.

And there is my answer I suppose...you don't contact us because you don't want to. Too much time and space has passed between us now, and it would be "uncomfortable". Well, I'd hate for that to feel awkward or difficult for you.

If someone were to ask me if I would change anything about my past and how I was raised? I would say probably not....because, while it took most of my life to get here, I like who I am now. At the end of the day, I grew up feeling unloved, undeserving of good people and good things. I put everyone else before myself and my own health and happiness, laid myself in harm's way, and I gave myself to people who didn't deserve me. And for a long time, I believed that I would fail at everything I tried... but if there is one thing I am, it is resilient. And I have come to learn that these horrible negative beliefs are not the sum of who I am, they do not reflect me, nor what I stand for.

Ultimately, I am better than all of that. I am worth more. And I deserve better.

So I write this letter, because it has weighed on my mind for far too long, and that ill-received message sent so long ago has dragged me down quite enough. I'm sure that I still have a fair bit of work to do, but this letter was a huge step for me. I am going to work at being less pissed off at you, and focus on moving forward, with better men in my life, who are better fathers than you could ever hope to be, asshole.

Boyfriend? Girlfriend?

2011-10-03T10:46:00.001-04:00

boyfriend

n: a male friend with whom a person is romantically or sexually involved; sweetheart or lover

Or, in my world…the word I still struggle with because it feels a little bit juvenile, a little bit too good to be true, and let's face it....I don't have a lot of experience with the word.

girlfriend
n: a female friend with whom a man or boy is romantically or sexually involved; sweetheart or lover

Or, in my world…the word I love to hear him call me. Even if it does make me wrinkle my nose, gag a little sometimes, and giggle. Like, a lot.

I have many issues folks. The words 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' are just 2 of them.

Have an awesome day!

xoxox
Jenn

Being Bullied.

2011-10-02T07:52:00.002-04:00

There has been a lot of talk about children being bullied lately. It is something that has gone on for decades, but more and more kids and teens are taking their own lives because they can't handle the emotional torture and abuse any longer. Every time I hear another story, it breaks my heart...

The list of reasons why kids bully each other is endless really - acne, no-name brand clothing, having a 'weird' name, being poor, having an absent parent, what your parents do for a living, wearing flood pants, having bad teeth, needing thick glasses, talking funny, being short, having 'weird' lunches, coming from another country, having braces, being skinny, and of course, being fat.

None of which are justified. Not one.
I was teased and made fun of for a number of things on the list above, but the words that stuck the most, and hurt the worst were:

-lard ass
-hippo
-cow
-disgusting
-ugly
-wide load
-thunder thighs
-Miss. Piggy
-amazon
-fat
-fatso
-fat pig
-fat ugly pig
-fat fucking pig

Looking back at pictures from when this started, I in no way consider myself fat or obese. I was like a lot of kids - chubby. Maybe chubby. I was definitely one of the tallest girls, and in a lot of cases, I was taller than the boys, too. My size didn't deter them from picking on me though, and my personality allowed it to continue.

As a response to being called all these names, and being teased relentlessly, I ate.
My father left and never came back.
This made me sad, so I ate.
We didn't have enough money to buy brand named clothes.
I got made fun of, so I ate.
A neighbour touched me inappropriately and repeatedly.
I was ashamed, so I ate.
My mom wasn't nice to me about my weight.
To piss her off and push the limits of how much she could love me as I was, I ate.

Those are the reasons I ate. Food was my comfort. Just like drugs, alcohol, sex and material goods are the comfort blanket that many others seek shelter under. We can never assume we know how anyone else is living their life, until we have walked in their shoes. You have no idea what is going on with someone, their home life, financial situation, mental well being...and you don't have the right to make fun of them.

In turn, I believe that I then made fun of other kids who were less fortunate than even I was. I am not proud of any time that I ever made fun of anyone else, because if they carried those words around with them for even a fraction of the time that I carried hurtful words with me, it is too long.

Quite simply, it is not okay to ever treat people this way. It starts at such a young age, and parents have to keep a close eye on their kids - even calling each other 'stupidhead' is like a gateway to bigger and more hurtful words later, is it not?

People grow up with this pain, and the hurtful words play over and over until we then believe them ourselves. How awful it is to go from being an innocent, invincible, wide-eyed child who believes that anything is possible, to being a shell of your former self and feeling like shit on shoes as an adult.

#1 rule - be kind to one another. Just be nice. Say nice things. Do nice things. Act nicely. Treat them how you would like to be treated.

What a novel concept, I know...

Have an awesome day!
xoxox
~J

Bucket Lists...Updated. Again.

2011-09-25T21:11:00.001-04:00

I started this list in late 2008, adding and tweaking things over the past 3 years... You can click here to read my Love List...but you have to pass a series of tests and interviews to get a glimpse of my Dirty List. ;)

TO DO:

Drive on the Autobahn
Walk the Camino De Santiago
Ride in a hot air balloon
Have a family - including kids, however they come to me.
Travel to Italy, Greece, Portugal and Spain
Experience true love
Visit the beaches of Thailand - sleep in a hut with flowy white curtains and get a $5 massage
To be able retire by 55 on my own salary
Own, or at least sleep on, a boat
Travel to England, Ireland and Scotland - traipsing around and visiting every damn pub I can find - and eat fish n' chips out of newspaper.
Meet Oprah
Visit the Carolina's, New Orleans, and San Francisco
Learn to sing. Well.
Witness a birth.
1 week all inclusive in Jamaica
Take piano lessons
Manifest Jillian Michaels into my life for one day.
Reach my goal weight
Run a half marathon
Cycle around P.E.I.
Spend time with a 9th generation medicine man in Bali
NYC on NYE
Be mortgage free
Take part in a Habitat For Humanity Build
Ride a real roller coaster
Write a book
Drive across Canada
Experience Australia
Try one week as a vegan
Volunteer at a soup kitchen for Thanksgiving and/or Christmas
Camp down in the Grand Canyon
Go parasailing
Eat a Beavertail on the Rideau Canal - Update: DONE and YUMMY!!!
Meet Liz of One-Twenty-Five

DONE:

Meet Ben Davis from http://bendoeslife.tumblr.com/
Attend a pig roast bbq event
Move away from Newfoundland
Own a home by myself
Visit the Grand Canyon
Sponsor a child in a 3rd world country
Lose 100lbs in 1 year
Bike 80km
Meet Jann Arden
Witness a proposal
See some of my fave musical talents in concerts
Live alone
Inspire someone to live a better/happier/healthier life
Make out on a beach by moonlight
Connect with my fathers side of my family
Host a party where I feel totally loved and surrounded by the people I love most
Travel to Vegas
Sit on the ocean floor at Hopewell Rocks
Donate my hair to Locks Of Love

**And I will continue to add to the list and repost it as time goes on...

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!!!
xoxox
~J

There is a first time for everything...

2011-09-22T23:45:00.000-04:00

When I started going to the gym 2 years ago, I went exclusively to gyms that were for women only, or had women only sections. You couldn't have paid me enough to work out in the co-ed section of the gym. My God, there are men out there!!!!
Attending classes was another source of extreme anxiety for me - I'm talking shortness of breath, excessive sweating, teary-eyed anxiety - so I always placed myself at the back, or against the wall, because I just felt safer there... hoping that nobody would see me, judge me, shoot me dirty looks, or the worst? Say something unkind that I could overhear.

The sad, but very true reality, is that people aren't nice to overweight people. They just aren't. It seems to be the last socially acceptable form of discrimination.

Anyways, you should hear me lately...all of the time saying "I've never done that before", "This is new", "That's weird", "There is a first time for everything."

And last week was yet another first. In an ongoing effort to curb my spending, maintain my activity level, and surround myself with people who support me; I quit Goodlife, and joined Fit 4 Less.

With. Kwesi.

Remember the girl would wouldn't work out in the co-ed section!?!

I, yes! Me! went to the gym WITH a ~~boy~~ man! A ~~boy~~ man that I like. Who likes me back. As I am. A ~~boy~~ man who supports me towards my goals, and encourages me to continue on this journey towards being my best me. Whaaaaaaaaaaaat!?! *pinch, pinch, pinch*

It's weird.
But I like it.
Sometimes it freaks me out though, so I breathe deeply, practice being brave, and frigging do it anyways.

It is definitely better than hiding in the corner hoping to God that nobody sees me.
Doesn't make it any less weird though.

I hope that you are having an awesome day!
xoxox
Jenn

My journey in pictures....

2011-09-19T07:14:00.002-04:00

I made this a little while ago, and wasn't sure what I was going to do with it...it was my own video scrapbook, much like this blog is my written therapeutic scrapbook.

I shared it with someone who adores me without ulterior motives, who believes in me, and the general message of the video. He told me to post it. He repeatedly told me that I should post it. So, I sat with that thought for awhile, and have decided to be brave and share it here. Not on Facebook, because I know that some of the people on my friends list would make fun of me...somehow here feels safer. Crazy, and quite likely a false sense of security on my part, but that's just the way I roll.

So, here it is: Click here to view video.

I hope that you have an AWESOME day...
xoxox
Jenn

The disease to please...

2011-09-18T18:38:00.000-04:00

Like most women, I have always suffered from the disease to please. Oh, and fix. And now that I think about it, help, make it all better, and do the work for people that they should be doing themselves.

I wonder what the name for that disease is? I sure as shit know what it feels like - exhaustion, depletion, draining, dramatic, frazzled, and empty. All those years that I spent giving my abundant positive energy to others left me with nothing, nada, zero, zip, zilch for myself.

When you are so busy taking care of others, how are you possibly going to take care of yourself?
I believe it is part of the reason I gained a great portion of the weight that I did. I wanted people to look past the fact that I was "chubby" (before I became really extra fat) and see that I was genuinely nice, likeable, loveable, and worthy. I wanted everyone to like me, and it confused the hell out of me when they didn't. I wanted to give, and please, and fix.

But how do you help an alcoholic friend who will not put the drink down? How do you drop what you're doing to help others, when what you're doing is important for yourself? And how do you fix their problems when they aren't willing to do the work themselves?

Answer: You don't.

Time for a few cliches: You cannot please everyone. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. You absolutely cannot help someone who won't help themselves.

The final straw was that pesky ex-boyfriend I have mentioned so often throughout my posts. (I hate mentioning him at all, but the lessons that came from that time are still amazing to me)
As we were coming to an end, and I was STILL trying in vain to help him, I had one of those brick-to-the-head moments - I will say it again, even though we have heard it many times before: You cannot help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.
It was only when I decided to put myself on my own priority list that I started to feel better and realize my true strength and ability. But because I enjoy sharing my energy, and helping people, I have stuggled for a long time with where to draw the line.

And today, I think I found it.

This morning, I ran a 5km with two amazing new friends from my Running Room clinic. It was the first time that either of them had taken part in a 5km event, and furthermore, it was the first time that they had run a full 5km distance at all.

I was honoured to be there with them, encouraging, pacing, leading the way through the crowd to bring us across the finish line at the 40 minute mark.
My usual self-competitive side didn't matter today. I was more than happy to run alongside two amazing women who wanted to run for their own reasons.
And that's the key. They were doing the work. Each of them has shown up to class, put in the time, trained alongside the rest of the group - they did the work. Not me. I didn't have to email, nag, inquire, or push them out the door.

Today, I discovered that I can give of myself, and still do good things. Not FOR others, but WITH others. And that's where the line is.

You do the work, and I will be beside you every step of the way. It is part of who I am to share my time and energy. No longer is it part of who I am to give myself and my needs up entirely.

Today was a great day. A fantastic event, a great run, and positive energy galore.

I love days like today...and lessons that keep on coming.

I hope that your day was as awesome as mine!
xoxox
Jenn

9.5/10. I'll take it.

2011-09-18T11:24:00.003-04:00

Remember when you were in grade school and handed in a paper or a test...and then waited...hours, or days to see how many check marks and red x's you had when you got it back?

In some ways, dating as an adult is like grade school. Boys still 'throw rocks' at girls, in the form of teasing comments; the 'hair pulling' turns to playful smacks on the ass in the grocery store; and grown men still like making us blush and giggle because they learn at an early age how powerful a great sense of humour really is.

As adults we are still graded on a number of tests, it's just the content that changes. No longer are we tested on our ABC's, as much as we are tested on our work ethic, character traits, compatibility, flexibility, sexual prowess, and personality.

I'm happy to know that I have been given a passing grade this time. An A+, even!

Check out the article below from askmen.com. It's kinda totally awesome. It's exactly the kind of girlfriend I always wanted to be...

*I lost points in the 'intelligence' category for my frequent 'Jessica Simpson' moments... Sad, but very very true.

xoxox
~J

*******************************************************************

I must admit that playing the field is a whole lot of fun, but so is being in a serious relationship -- provided that it's with the right woman. But how do you know if she really is the right woman for you? If she possesses the following 10 traits, you better hold on to her for dear life or, before you know it, a guy who already knows where it's at will get his hands on your "goods."

Number 10
She's independent

No one wants a girlfriend they have to baby-sit. Once in a while, like if she's had a rough day at work, it's great to be her shoulder to cry on, but if she can't seem to function without you and is constantly after you, she will eventually make you feel like you're suffocating, which is a surefire way to get you running out the nearest exit.

On the other hand, if she has her very own personality and opinions, can stand on her own two feet, both financially and emotionally, and is able to enjoy time away from you -- while still missing you, of course -- then she must be a great girlfriend.

Number 9
She's intelligent

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the bimbo routine gets real old, real fast. A woman who can meet you at an intellectual level is a total turn-on. Instead of being the one in total control, you'll find yourself trying to figure out what she's really thinking behind those glazed eyes of hers -- or if she's actually thinking at all.

An intelligent woman will constantly surprise you and keep you on your toes. She won't let you get bored of her. Besides, it's nice to have something to talk about between all that chandelier-hanging sex.

Number 8
She's sexual

While we're on the topic, a great girlfriend has to be sexually compatible with you. For instance, if you're into S&M and she's more the "fluffy lingerie" type, that's a problem. The two of you have to be on the same page -- or, at least, she has to be willing to wear leather and use a whip from time to time.

Of course, this doesn't imply that she has to know all the right moves straight away; it simply means that you and she have an undeniable attraction towards each other, and are able to communicate your desires verbally (or with physical cues). It is important that you please each other in the bedroom, or on top of the dryer -- whatever the case may be.

Number 7
She's beautiful

I know, this one is kind of obvious, but important nonetheless. A great girlfriend will not only want to look good for you, but also for herself. She should always look her best and be well put together -- matching lingerie is a definite plus.

You have to be proud to have her on your arm and enjoy the sight of her in any light. And this doesn't mean that she has to be a Heidi Klum clone. Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so if you think her full bottom or uncontrollable curls are beautiful, you're allowed.

Number 6
She respects you

This is a biggie. Your woman must respect you. This means that she listens to you, even if she doesn't necessarily agree with what you're saying. And, of course, she never tries to demean or belittle you in any way, shape, or form.

A great girlfriend won't ever cause scenes in public or in front of your friends and family, and will always wait to discuss matters with you in private. If she respects you, chances are that she will behave in a tactful and diplomatic manner in most situations, which is definitely a good thing.

Does your woman bring you and the guys beer on poker night?

Number 5
She lets you be a man

Do not -- I repeat -- do not get involved with a woman who tries to get you to eat cottage cheese and fruit for breakfast and insists that you give up poker night with the guys. You will end up resenting her more than you can imagine. A good girlfriend lets you be a guy in all your glory, poker night and all. If she's a great girlfriend, she'll even bring you and your buddies a couple of beers and make you some of her famous sandwiches.

She has to understand that men and women are different and should allow you to be yourself. Just like you wouldn't deprive her of going shopping with her best girlfriend, she shouldn't expect you to give up the guys for her.

Number 4
She's nagless

There is nothing worse than a nag! A great girlfriend knows this and chooses her battles wisely. She knows when to speak-up and when to let it slide. You don't want a girlfriend who will give you the heights of hell for leaving a couple of dishes in the sink occasionally.

However, if you live together and you stay out all night without calling her, and she lets you have it, then you're setting yourself up for disaster. This is a situation that nobody would let slide -- not even a great girlfriend.

Number 3
She gets along with friends & family

A great girlfriend will not only help your mom in the kitchen, listen to your dad's stories, and hang out with your friends, she will enjoy it. She'll make a real effort to get to know and love the most important people in your life. And she won't try to get you to ditch your best buds.

She'll actually empathize with your brother's getting dumped and suggest that you guys take him out to cheer him up. Not only that, but your friends won't roll their eyes and moan when you mention that she'll be joining you guys when she gets off work (yes, women like this do exist).

Number 2
She loves you

If you have found a woman who loves you for who you really are and not who you pretend or try to be sometimes, you should definitely hang on to her. A woman who doesn't try to change you is hard to find. Of course, everyone has their slightly annoying habits that their mate has to contend with, but if she really loves you, she will be able to cope with these.

Another way to know if she really loves you is by observing the way she looks at you and treats you on an everyday basis. If the sight of you doesn't seem to faze her either way, and she doesn't really seem to care about what you have to say, she's either playing very hard to get, or sees you as just some guy. But if a surprise visit or phone call from you makes her light up, there's no denying that she loves you.

Number 1
She makes you want to be a better man

Stop making that face... Any man who has a great girlfriend or wife will tell you that she makes him want to be a better man. She doesn't have to say or do anything; it just is that way. If you suddenly feel bad about how you treated your sister or find yourself trying to get your finances in order, you might want to think about your motivation for doing so. It could be love.

do you already have her?
So, if this list seems to describe your current flame, you, my friend, are styling. In fact, you are probably the envy of all of your friends, even if they tease you for losing your status as "king player."

However, if the woman you are dating is more like the polar opposite, then I don't think that getting serious with her would be in your best interest -- but you knew that already, didn't you?
http://ca.askmen.com/top_10/dating_top_ten_60/74_dating_list.html

That's new...

2011-09-17T21:51:00.000-04:00

trust

1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

What an awesome thing to completely trust the man you have let into your life.

That's new. I like it. A lot.

xoxox

~Jenn

This is what I need, please...

2011-09-10T01:29:00.002-04:00

I'm trying this new thing lately....and it's hard. Like, really freaking hard.

As nicely as possible, I am practicing these 2 things with the people who surround me:

This is what I need, please.

This is what I can't deal with, thank you.

In a world where a lot of what we talk about is based on pop culture nonsense, and so much of our time is spent texting in shorthand over the airwaves or using social networking sites, the fine art of verbal communication is slowly and sadly becoming a lost art.

In growing numbers, people are airing their dirty laundry on Facebook, and Tweeting their passive-aggressive messages making it more commonplace and socially acceptable.

I was never very good at standing up for what I needed...it always felt like I was asking for too much, and I suppose that was largely because I felt I wasn't worth it.
I also used to bite my tongue when it came time to explain what I couldn't deal with, because I dreaded the thought of being seen as 'too demanding' when in reality, nothing I have ever required has been unreasonable.

Now that I know different, I'm trying to do different.

And so, in my ongoing efforts to become my best me, I am going to continue to try and communicate clearly, openly and maturely - with the people in my life who I trust enough to love me anyways. After all, if they have my best interests at heart, they will make a conscious effort to keep my needs in mind, the same as I do for them - with no agenda or ulterior motives - just straight up truth, respect, and a genuine desire to be part of each others lives.

Think before speaking. Think before acting. Be clear about your needs when you know what they are.

Simple, really.

I hope that you are having an awesome day!
xoxox
~J

Coming out of The Cave...

2011-09-08T23:20:00.001-04:00

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

This song is on my iPod, my runPod, and I am sending it to a ridiculously unique and spirited friend who is about to take the trip of a lifetime.
This song makes me think about myself - finding strength in pain, changing my ways, the sun rising as I walk away from all the fears and faults I have left behind.
This song also reminds me of Feather...because she gave me other things to fill my time, and she never let me choke on the noose around my neck.

I hope that you are having an awesome day!
xoxox
Jenn

All over the map.

2011-08-30T23:00:00.001-04:00

I'm not really sure if I should even write this post, because it doesn't even make sense in my own head - there is no fluidity to my thoughts and feelings these days - so it sure as shit won't make any sense to any of you. But I write this mostly for me, and in an effort to keep on identifying my feelings, as opposed to eating them, I will do my best to sum it up as succinctly as possible.

File this under getting it out, letting it go, trust, and move on...

I had a careless, clueless friend say something hurtful to me a few weeks back. He doesn't even know that he did it, or the effect it has had on me - but it did spawn this post. The saddest part, is that I haven't been able to fully let it go. It still baffles me how the bad stuff is always easier to believe, and how I can hold on to negative comments because they are so familiar and comfortable to me. They are all I have known for so many years, that they sometimes still win.

I feel like I have been lazy lately. I still go see Trainer Mike 2x a week, and I group lead a 'Learn To Run' clinic with The Running Room 3x a week - which isn't a long enough run for me, and I know it. I have to start going for longer runs, and I have to get back into regular gym visits. I'm not done with this life-change-weight-loss journey. There is no going back, but I have to stop feeling badly about slowing down for awhile. Now, to find that kickass motivation and energy that I had last year. If you find it, please let me know...

I'm starting to wonder if I have possibly hit the jackpot in the 'man' department, and while I am crazy happy and excited, I am still nervous and scared. It's been a looooong time since I have liked someone this much, missed them when they aren't around, and wanted to be in their company for more than just a few hours or a night. It's weird for me to feel these things...for a sane man. It's even more weird to not have the relationship centre around food, or sex, because this is based on a foundation of friendship and mutual adoration. It feels real and stable. What a novel concept!
I have to learn to trust. I have to learn to feel my feelings. I have to learn how to communicate clearly and effectively. I have to learn how to be a girlfriend... Hmmmmmm.....maybe when I am ready to use that word myself, we will know that we have really broken through a barrier.

My focus needs more focus.

Gym. Run. Eat well. Feel feelings. Ignore the negative. Believe the positive. Remember how far I have come. Be proud of myself. Save some money forChristsakes. Communicate. Be open. Like him. Trust it.

I'm worth it.

Maybe I just needed to make a list and put it out there....because somehow, I feel slightly better now. Amazing how that happens, really....

Hope that you are having an AWESOME day!
xoxox
~J

Dear Mom.

2011-08-26T20:06:00.001-04:00

Dear Mom,

I will start by telling you that I love you. With my whole heart, I really do love you. I have tremendous respect for you, and give you props for raising 2 kids all alone from the age of 22. I love you unconditionally - even when it feels like you are trying to control me, and when you drink too much, or say mean things, and even when it feels like you don't love me unconditionally right back.

A long time ago, my therapist told me that I should write a letter to you...to tell you how I feel, and try to convey my needs to you in a way that wouldn't leave us completely estranged.
I have never been able to figure out how to do that, because I am not entirely certain that you could restrain yourself from disowning me, no matter how I approach things with you.

That concept makes me sad - it's an awful thing to be sure that had I not come to you first, bridged the gaps, or apologized for my "behaviour" when we have fallen out in the past, we wouldn't have a relationship at all, because you don't do apologies. Just grudges.

And so this letter I am writing, I will never send. I write it only to get it out, let it go, and keep our relationship status quo.

Thankfully, I have Jules, a few other family members, and my homemade family of lifelong friends who have been by my side for the past 20+ years while I rode along on the roller coaster that is being your daughter. These people - some of whom you have cut out of your life for various ridiculous or unknown reasons - all understand me without me really having to explain much. They just get it, because they have been there.

I love coming home, and yet I never know how much time to spend with you when I am there. And here is how I explain it to people: I have to spend enough time with you to keep you happy, but not so much time that just the sight of me pisses you off and annoys you. I have to mind all my P's and Q's the same as I did when I was 12, and be sure to pay my own way (or at the very least reach for my wallet to pay for dinner/movies/groceries). I have to guess where the indelible line is on an almost hourly basis, to try and avoid crossing over it, and ending up having no relationship with you at all. I usually need a vacation from my vacation after being home for a trip.

Without question, you are one of the strongest women I have ever known - and it is both a blessing and a curse. Your own cross to bear, in the end, I believe.
That strength, which carried you through your own journey, which you instilled into Jules and I, is unfortunately the same strength that keeps you on the 'right' side of the fence...when everyone else is 'wrong' in your opinion. Inconceivable that any one person could be right all of the time, but perfectly sensible to you.

I always tell people that you are as honest as the day is long. And when it's laid out there like that, of course that seems like a wonderful quality to have. Except that your honesty knows no barriers, and your mouth holds no filters. While I take your backhanded compliments and judgemental comments with a grain of salt, it has taken me over 30 years to be able to do that. And ridding myself of your torturous negative voice in my head was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Logically, I know that you did the best you could with what you had, and I really do appreciate all the sacrifices you made, the hard work you did, the braces on my teeth and the school trips you paid for...but I cannot help but wish I had the kind of mom who told me I was pretty, summoned the words to say she was proud of me, and had the kind of open heart and warmth that I lacked growing up. I would have traded that 'stuff' in a heartbeart for the things that really matter.
I still would.

To the best of my ability, I have let go of my need to hear kind words from you. I am working on creating and believing them for myself, and I am cultivating relationships with people who are affectionate, loving, warm and unconditional. I get incredible support and words of encouragement from the amazing people who surround me - in real life, and virtually (thank you Twitter peeps like Peady, Lara, recky_e, mmesiouxie, gmarx and more...)

And I will work to let go of any grudges or negative feelings from this day forward, because neither of those emotions are in line with who I ultimately want to be. Who I work towards becoming. And somewhere deep inside, even if you can't say the words to me, I'd like to think you are proud.

I love you. Really and truly.
xoxox
~J

A picture is worth a thousand words.

2011-08-20T08:14:00.000-04:00

As you know, I just got home from Newfoundland. I tend to go every year. I was just looking at pictures from my trip 2 years ago, and compared them against pictures of this trip. Holy holy shit.

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words.
And that the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

If you are about to embark on your own journey of a thousand miles...if you are going to put yourself on your own priority list again, make good choices, start saying 'yes' to yourself and 'no' to others, start moving your able body before it's too late and change your life for the better...take pictures. You are going to want to look back at those shots to remember where you came from, so that you can be proud of how far you have come.

I was slowly eating myself into a ridiculously unhealthy and unhappy state before I made the decision to change my life. On the outside, I smiled all the time - as you can see in the pictures - but deep down inside, when I started to get honest with myself, there were places of deep sadness, pain, rejection and unworthiness. There were issues I had to address, more that I had to let go of, and beliefs that I had to squash - before they squashed me.

Without question, the hardest part of changing my life wasn't making better food choices, or exercising more. The brutal part has been addressing all the reasons I was using food to comfort, console, and isolate myself.
It used to feel so safe behind those walls I had built to keep others out.

Damn lonely, but safe.

By opening up, being honest, telling my story, and being brave, I have managed to make undeniable changes for the better.

There simply is no comparison.
I am not the same person I once was.
I am also not done yet.

The thousand mile journey continues...one step, one day at a time.
I mess up sometimes, but I keep going. keep going. keep going.

I hope that you are having an awesome day!!!

xoxox

My womb. My rules.

2011-08-18T22:18:00.002-04:00

I have a beef. It's been bugging me for awhile...off and on for years, really. And here it is: I am very tired of people presumptuously telling me that I "have to have children".

Yes, I love babies. And toddlers. And children of almost all ages. And I have "witness a birth" on my Bucket List. The miracle of how children are conceived, carried, and birthed, truly boggles my mind. Watching a newborn baby instinctively move towards its mothers nipple, is amazing to me. I appreciate every aspect of it. From afar.

I understand that you have your own children, and cannot imagine life without them, and furthermore, you cannot imagine my life without them. But here is the thing...I have always maintained that I want children in my life, but I am not sold on the idea that I have to raise them full time from birth in order to love them.

Check out these babies...imagine me cooing, and ahhhhing at them. Because that's exactly what I do. I cuddle, hold, kiss, hug and love all the children in my life. And then I give them back. And I happen to really like being able to do that.

Sure, I have had fleeting moments where I have seen someone with an especially cute, really well behaved child and thought "Oh! I want one of those!". And just as quickly as the sentiment flies in, it flies right back out again. Those thoughts have never hung around for longer than a minute or two with me.

I'm 34 years old, and my internal clock simply isn't ticking. It's mine damn it. I would know if it was. But just like I was never the kind of girl who pretended that the living room curtains were a veil and I was a beautiful bride, I also never shoved a basketball or a balloon up my shirt pretending that I was pregnant.

Some people were placed here on earth to be full-time-25-year parents - my best friend Air is definitely one of them - but it simply isn't the right decision for everyone. And right now, for the foreseeable future, it isn't what I want for myself. Who knows if that will change in years to come, but until then? The same way I think people shouldn't ask newlyweds when they are going to reproduce because it's rude, I wish people would stop telling me that I "have to have kids".

I hope you are having an AWESOME day!
xoxox
~J

P.S. While I wouldn't ever go so far as to agree with every point made on this list of reasons not to have kids, I have to admit that number of them struck a chord with me...I like my life a lot right now...loving kids, but having free time for me. It works for me.

Down Home.

2011-08-17T22:03:00.000-04:00

I'm home. Back in Ottawa from my trip to my former home, Newfoundland. The weather was garbage, the food greasy and salty, the company stellar, the laughs plentiful, the R n' D developing, the tests all passed, and the memories life-lasting.
It was 9 days of driving, managing schedules, walking the tightrope relationship I have with my mom, 1 night at a cottage, a wedding, a birth, and a serious lack of sleep.

I'm too tired to write about it all right now....so here it is in pictures.

Ironically, Westside Charlie's is located in the East end of St. John's.
The sign was too funny not to photograph and post. Those Newfies sure do have a sense of humour.

Yes Virginia, there really is a place called Dildo, Newfoundland.
There is also a Come By Chance, Blow Me Down, and a Spread Eagle.
Not much else to do in Newfoundland besides fish and (cover your ears, kids!) fuck, as they say.

I'm not usually a very fancy girl, so wearing this dress in public, in front of people I don't know very well was a HUGE step for me. 100% silk too!
I was only slightly embarrassed to use my dinner napkin as a bib during dinner.

On a canary yellow house, I found this sign. It's true. I had to take the picture.

I have no memory of ever completing the entire North Head hike on Signal Hill in my whole life. And 2 years ago....100 pounds ago...this walk would have killed me. I wouldn't have even tried to climb the 700+ stairs, or ascend the 500+ feet. Lord Tunderin Jesus, times sure have changed buddy...

And this little gem was the grand finale of my trip! Gorgeous little Annie was due on the 9th of August, but she wasn't quite ready to make her appearance on that day...she held out for a whole extra week. On the day I was due to leave, her mama went in to labour, and so I high tailed it to the airport, let the waterworks flow, and talked the nice lady at the Porter counter to let me leave the following day. While I wasn't allowed in the room while Annie made her grand entrance, I was able to sneak in once she had been weighed and measured. 9lbs, 10 ounces, this beauty weighs in heavier than her 2 brothers did. And she is perfect.

I hope, as always, that you are having an AWESOME day!!!
xoxox
~J

Jennifer's Body.

2011-08-01T23:12:00.003-04:00

Are there people out there who are not self conscious? Who don't have issues with their bodies? People who don't wish with all their might that they had smaller hips, more toned legs, an apple bottom in their jeans, and no chicken wings on their arms? Are there women who don't want bigger (or smaller), perkier boobs? Are there men who don't want bigger shoulders? Stronger arms? and 9.5 inches in their pants? Do truly secure people like this actually exist?

I personally don't know any.

And I am no exception.

But as I have said before, "My body is strong, curvy, and tells the story of my life. To not love it, is to not love me. And I deserve to be loved by myself, and the men I allow into my life."

I really truly do. In my head, I know this. I am working on it. I really am.
Ever notice though, that when you let someone new in to your life...and into your bed, that you are all kinds of self conscious again? When it's a friend with benefits, the primary (and often sole) goal, is to get in, get off, and get out - body issues don't seem to matter much in those times.

When it's someone that you care about though, you find yourself caring what they think.

I want him to touch and explore me everywhere, but I'd rather die than have him feel the ropey 8 inch scar on my stomach from having my gall bladder removed.
I want him to caress and tickle my sides playfully, but not go anywhere near the squish that is still far too abundant on my tummy.

I want him to gently bite my shoulders and down my back, skipping the scars that remain from having moles removed.
I want him to scratch the skin down my arms and give me chills all over, but ignore the fact that my biceps and triceps are really only apparent when I flex or lean above him for awhile.
I want him to run his hands up and down the length of my legs, feeling how strong they are, remaining oblivious to the extra padding that I work so hard to turn into muscle.
I want him to explore my breasts with his hands and mouth, but he will sadly never know how full and firm they used to be.
I want him all over me. And I want so badly to feel as confident and comfortable naked as I do fully clothed.

I have done all this work to gain strength of character, spirit and body, but the lack of body confidence sticks like goddamn crazy glue.

My body isn't smooth, firm, or textbook "perfect". It never will be. I stand a models height at 5'10", but I will never have a models body. And let me get really honest here, you don't work to lose 100 pounds and not require surgery to nip and tuck away the excess. Nuff' said.

And while I still wouldn't change a single thing about my life, or my past...everything that has happened and every decision I have made to this point have shaped who I am - I like myself. I love who I am. I just still cannot help sometimes wallowing in anger and sadness for having done this to my body. Using food as my security and my comfort blanket has left me with what I fear may be irreparable damage. And what sometimes feels like insurmountable insecurities.

Just letting it out....and of course, hoping that you are having an AWESOME day!

xoxox
Love,
~J

Maybe I suck at dating?

2011-07-25T20:46:00.003-04:00

I came to a conclusion about myself this weekend...realizing that I am a GREAT date (if I do say so myself), but there seems to be the high possibility that I am lousy at actually dating.
The stats clearly back me up on the self proclaimed 'great date' title - I'm batting an average 90% requests for second dates in my lifetime.
And once again, the numbers don't lie with my dating "career", as proven by the fact that I have been single for 84% of my adult life.
Literally, 84%.
Yes, I did the math.

For all the times I haven't made it past 5 dates with a man, it wasn't always because we kindly agreed that there was 'no spark', as much as a great number of them made only weak attempts to hide the fact that they were complete mental cases.

Like the time I was on date #5 with a guy, who screamed at me because I wouldn't sleep with him yet. "Well, forgive me for mistaking your interest in getting to know me, with your obvious sole desire to get in to my pants, asshole! If we were just going to be FWB's, then we would likely have done it already...but now?!?! You can go f*ck yourself, because you won't be f*cking me. Ever."

I have dated men who ultimately didn't care who they slept or sat next to, so long as it was a warm body. Any warm body. Well guess what? That isn't good enough for me.

I have dated men who never had any desire to get to know my friends, and made no efforts to introduce me to theirs - this always made me feel particularly bad. Like I was good enough to make out with, but not good enough to show off, be seen in public with, or be proud of, which is (as you know) complete and utter bullshit.

And then there are polar opposite type, who want to change our facebook status to "in a relationship" when we are still in the early stages of figuring each other out, deciding if we like each other enough to sleep together and declare ourselves as smitten kittens.

Usually when I am dating someone brand new, who I have no history with, I have my guard waaaaaaay up, and it always feels like I am faltering on unsolid ground, trying to figure out where I stand with this person. Does he like me? What does it mean when he says this? What does it mean when he does that?

I have often thought to myself in those times that life would be so much easier if we reverted back to grade school and passed each other notes:

I am starting to address the fact that I have spent that 84% of my single adult life hiding behind the "friends with benefits" clause, because it was always easier and it certainly felt safer.

In those situations, I didn't really have to put myself out there, I didn't really have to open up, I didn't really have to let them over the wall and into my world, and I definitely didn't have to risk a broken heart....I was too busy breaking it myself keeping everyone out.

But what happens when I finally start to lower the walls that have been built around me? When I slowly peel back the layers, discovering new amazing things about myself along the way, exploring the fact that I have way more to offer than just sex, and I begin opening myself up to genuinely nice men who are worthy of my time, stories and heart?

I like to call this phase, the "Research and Development" phase. R-n-D for short, of course.

Right now, I am not exactly sure what happens past this point, but I am looking forward to finding out, and I am looking forward to doing it without having to guess where I stand.

Because I suck at guessing games. And maybe I kind of suck at dating strangers.
I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!

xoxox
~Jenn

Pretty freaking much...

2011-07-24T19:59:00.000-04:00

“You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage — pleasantly, smilingly, nonapologetically —to say no to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger yes burning inside.” — Stephen Covey

Period. End of.

xoxox
~J

Best. Trainer. Ever.

2011-07-18T11:45:00.000-04:00

I have said this before...and I will say it again...it is impossible not to love this guy. Especially when he sends you emails like this, when all you want to do is crawl in to bed and sleep...or go do something else. Something that has absolutely nothing to do with working out...

Jennifer,

I don't tell you enough...

I'm proud of you.

You are awesome, and incredibly inspiring. You have not only changed your life, but the lives of others. You are a great inspiration to many people, and that's so great. I'm so happy that you are my client, and that I have met you. Your blog is right on the money. You are beautiful, strong, and confident. You deserve the best, and you are getting it right now, even if you aren't getting enough sleep.

Thank you,
Michael Rueter
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOTAL HEALTH EXPERIENCE
1229 Sherman Drive
Ottawa, Ontario
Cell 613-322-5647
613-482-1978
http://www.go2holistichealth.com/

What gives him the fucking right?!?!

2011-07-16T07:48:00.003-04:00

Having been on the receiving end of the hand that both "loves" and hits you, I will never cease to be amazed by the fact that even the strongest woman can be taken apart by a man she believes she loves. What gives men the right to treat some women so poorly? What makes them think that they can take us down, and leave us feeling like a shell of our former selves?

The answer, from my own perspective, is that we do.
He was the torment, and I allowed myself to get, and stay, in that situation. I ignored the signs - and yes, there were plenty. I turned a blind eye and a deaf ear and wore a fake smile for a long time. I believed that I was worthless, and allowed him to treat me exactly as such. I didn't believe I deserved better, so I ended up with worse.
Most women have this ability to like everyone we meet, overlooking all their glaring personality defects, and cultivating qualities in them that really do not exist at all. We are raised to be nice, and play nice. We aren't really raised to stand up for ourselves and pick out other peoples potential to bring us harm.

Shame, because we should be taught all of these things as opposed to having to learn them the hard way.

I awoke this morning to an email from a best girlfriend of mine, telling me that she has left her boyfriend because of his abuse. Oh, how the tables have turned. She was one of the first people I called when my abusive relationship was coming to an end. She was my rock, my beacon of light, and my soft place to fall all rolled in to one.

My heart is breaking for her right now, but I know that she will be just fine. Much like I am now....years later. I wrote this reply to her email...and realized that it was as though I was writing a letter to the old me....

Oh, and as for him....FUCK. HIM.

I am reading this again.... While it is breaking my heart, I am sensing a strength in your words that tells me you have hit your rock bottom with men... this will be the last time any man uses or abuses you.... You may not know what to do with a genuinely nice man right now...but you do deserve that peace and love.

Funny, when I left your place the other day, I really felt like there was something else....something you weren't saying. But knowing you as I do, I knew that you would tell me when you were ready...much the same as I would, really.
And something you said that day struck me as profoundly mistaken....but I didn't say anything. You had the message right, but the words you chose were wrong.... You said that R was like your teacher, showing you the way, opening you up, and calling you on all the errors of your ways. In my head, I thought "wow, that doesn't seem right"....
Here is what I think now.... Sometimes, the villains in our lives are indeed our biggest teachers.

R hasn't taught you anything substantial, or much worth carrying forward... but he has shown you the way to rock bottom...and that's a good thing. Because the only way out, is through...and the only direction is up.

To be honest, I feel badly for R. He must be carrying around as much pain as you are, bella. You were trucking along just fine until about May of last year...things started to slip, and once they do, it's a really slippery slope...and he caught you on that and made it worse. To feel like he had to bring you all the way down to meet his pain...that's sad. He is jaded, and twisted and lonely - he doesn't believe in love. What a sad existance that must be.

My darling, there are a few things that apply here....some from experience, some from my heart...

#1. If you can't tell your very best girlfriends and your mom the truth about your relationship, you shouldn't be in it. Carry this one with you next time. It's what my mom taught me after T.O.

#2. You never lost either myself nor LD as a friend. We knew something was up...knew it all along...but could only say what we did and leave it until you were ready to come to us. Thankfully you're coming now.....and not a year, or 3 years, or 10 years from now. You didn't "do" anything to our friendship....we were always friends. That won't change.

#3. Keep going to therapy....work through the pain of your childhood, the pain of feeling unloved, the pain of growing up an overweight beautiful woman. Work through the past year of torment. And work to let go of the negative dialogue in your head. For good. And not just logically in your head....but more importantly, work to believe these things in your heart. THAT is when the true beauty of life, love and peace will flood in to you... it takes time to get there. So take the time.

#4. The lessons from this are a-plenty. Write them down so you don't forget. Let me start the list for you with this:
Dear Self,
I am beautiful, and not only do I DESERVE to be told so, I also need to hear those words.
Sometimes, I need to cuddle and hold hands and share affection. I deserve this, too.
I am intelligent, witty, and funny as hell. And I deserve to be with someone who appreciates all that I am.
My body is strong, curvy, and tells the story of my life. To not love it, is to not love me. And I deserve to be loved by myself, and the men I allow into my life. I will work on this.

This list has the potential to be as long as your arm bella....and then some....so keep going with it.

I love you, love you, love you....
xoxox
~J

All that and a bag of chips.

2011-07-15T15:48:00.005-04:00

I used to get rejected a lot. By men I crushed on, men I liked, men I was already dating, and even by men that I loved. At least, it sure felt like rejection.

Almost always, I would take it personally. And almost always, I would ask myself a series of (what I now know are ridiculous) questions....

"What's wrong with me?"

"Why doesn't he like me?"
"Why didn't he invite me to go along?"

Slowly, I have learned to turn the volume down on the negative voices, and let the voices of those who love me take over.
Slowly, I am starting to own my best qualities, and walk with newfound confidence.
Kwesi recently told me that I am "all that, and a bag of chips"... I like that. It's cute. It's true.

And the result of all of this? It doesn't feel like "what's wrong with me" anymore... if I get rejected now? It's "whats wrong with them!?"

Here is how I am feeling right now:

Today, I love being a girl. I love being me.
I love being twirled around, told I'm pretty, having long hair, and painting my nails.
I am strong. I am soft.

I am open and warm and loving.
I love baking, and cooking, and caring for people.

I love kissing, holding hands, cuddling, and making out till I am dizzy and need to come up for air. And chapstick.

I love having crushes on, and flirting voraciously with, men. NICE MEN.

I like that I can make people feel like a million bucks.

I love reminding them how truly unique and beautiful they really are.
I can make friends with a tree.
I love where I came from...and every experience I have ever had...because they have all brought me to where I am.

I am emotional, determined, steady, happy, supportive and unique.

I love food and sex and loving and being loved without conditions and expectations.
I love making men feel like MEN.

I do not believe in jealousy, games, or placing unrealistic expectations on the people who surround me.
I am honest. I am brave.
If you need me, I will drop what I am doing and be there.
I laugh with abandon. A lot.
I talk a lot, but listen well.

I pay attention.

I love that I can freely express all parts of me without retribution.
I love that I am strong enough now to not allow anyone to change me or force me to do things differently.
I am resilient.
I am a realistic dreamer.

I like myself the way I am. I see no reason to change.

He is out there. It's just a matter of time before he finds me, and more importantly, realizes what he has found. I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!
xoxox
~J

Baseline Cowboys.

2011-07-13T19:21:00.002-04:00

You know what Wednesday is, right? It's that day in the middle of the week where we see hope for the weekend, Monday is starting to become a distant memory, and good times lay straight ahead. But's it's still a weekday. You still worked today, and you still have to get up and go to work again tomorrow.

In an effort to make it more tolerable, people call it "hump day". Yet it's still too much day, and not enough hump for my liking.

On my way to Trainer Mike's a few weeks ago, I saw these guys on their front lawn. All dressed up in cowboy hats, and sitting on the couch drinking beer. At first, I thought "wow. how trashy." Until I saw their sign that said something to the effect of "Spread the awesome", and I couldn't help but smile alone in my car.

Turns out, The Baseline Cowboys have a Facebook page, and a small but growing fanbase. They really just turned something small, on an ordinary day, and made it in to something that Baseline travellers here in Ottawa look forward to each Wednesday. And that just makes these young men a whole lot of awesome, really.

As you know, I am a huge believer in spreading the love, the energy, and the message of living a happier life. Looks like these guys are leaps and bounds ahead of a number of adults I know too... considering they are only in their early 20's, I'd say they are destined for great things!

Have an AWESOME day!!!
xoxox
Jenn

Dear Universe, this is my love list.

2011-07-12T11:04:00.004-04:00

Dear Universe,

From everything I have read, and every successful person in my life, it is my understanding that when we want something, we are supposed to be clear, and ask for it. The world needs more of its inhabitants to concentrate their energies on cultivating positive people and positive experiences, to enrich our lives. I made this list almost 2 years ago, and have changed immeasurably since then, so I am updating it, adding to it, and modifying it as honestly as I possibly can. After all, I deserve all of this in my life. You already know how lucky that man will be when he finds me...

Thank you,
~Jennifer

- A man who will continue proving to me, long after he has wooed me, that chivalry is not dead.

- I would like someone who can occasionally still party like a rock star, but who is also content relaxing at home.

- A man who will pay attention to things I like, and surprise me from time to time.

- Men who read are s-e-x-y. 'Nuff said.

- Balance and moderation. He will believe in, and practice, both.

- If food, sex, beer and sex be the way to his heart; purses, sex, food and water may just be the way to mine.

- I'd like him to be okay with me taking care of his feet and hands in the form of standard manscaping. If he were to occasionally rub my feet in return, that would be fantastic.

- The man who paints my toenails for me, will forever reap the rewards of that service.

- Overall oral and physical hygiene is appreciated greatly.

- He will need to be open to discussing the possibility that I may someday, after we have built our foundation, want to revisit the term 'monogamous' and redefine it to meet our needs.

- I am very good at compromise, so please don't let it be his way, or the highway.

- I want a hard working man who has goals - no matter if they are solely personal goals - who isn't just going to coast through the rest of his life doing as little as possible to get by.

- He will try new things, and be open to growth and change and bettering himself. A man who learns from his mistakes, too...

- If this man has kids of his own already, he will be the kind of man to take that role seriously and step up to the plate to take care of his kids - and not just with money. That is way too easy. And I don't think it's okay to speak poorly about the mother of his children, regardless of how things ended.

- He will be open to having children of our own - should we agree to explore that path. Which we may not. And that is okay, too.

- In the beginning, he will need to communicate clearly to me that he likes me, and that he wants to get to know me better...I may otherwise never pick that up. I need to know where I stand.

- I have always wanted the man I am with to really love and appreciate how I am with kids. I would like to think it is one of my better qualities.

- I want a man who will do the "blue" jobs around the house and take care of those things for me. You know...oil changes, garbage, cleaning off my car in the winter, and home renovations. In turn, I will happily take care of the "pink" jobs...like keeping the house clean, cooking, groceries, etc... But we will work well together, too...like a team.

- I want a man who is affectionate and loving. I want (and need) to hold hands, hug, kiss and cuddle frequently. Put my head on his chest, and read a book or watch tv, and cuddle while we lay in bed a bit longer on Sunday mornings. Frequent sex is very important to me as well.

- Speaking of sex. I don't want a man who is overly kinky or 'weird'... but he would have to be creative, spontaneous, and sometimes take control. He will need to initiate, touch, grab, kiss, bite, venture outside the "norm" on occasion, and communicate his needs clearly to me. We will work together to keep it spicy and interesting.

- I want a man who genuinely loves me, and doesn't take me for granted, or forget why he is lucky to have me in his life.

- I want a nice life, with a warm home, good friends, and a couple of trips a year. All inclusive trips, backpacking type trips, and someday...I want to go to Greece and Italy. I feel it is my destiny to go there someday! And Jamaica, too!

- I want someone honest. Liars, players, and cheaters can go find someone else to play with.

- I want a man who I feel safe with. Considering my history, I think it's more than fair for me to have some valid trust issues with men. I am working on it, and it has gotten much better, but feeling safe is something I strive for.

- In order for the above statement to become a reality, I feel that I need a patient and understanding man. Someone who is able to empathize with me, and figure out the things that make me tick. A man who doesn't push me for too much too soon - because that doesn't work for me.

- I want a man who has his own friends, and goes out with them. Maybe he plays on a rec hockey team, or soccer team...but having his own hobbies and interests is hugely important, because I cannot feel like I am solely responsible for his free time, and his entertainment. I plan to maintain my friendships, and still have Girls Nights, shopping dates, pedicure dates, and chick flick dates. We are two individuals in a relationship.

- I want my friends to like him. Really like him.

- I want his friends to like me. Really like me.

- I want to have fun, and laugh, and talk - or not talk, and still have fun together sitting in silence. I want to watch movies on a big screen tv in our "theatre room", and have friends over for bbq's, and visit with family from time to time - but not all the time. I want to listen to music, go to the occasional concert/movie and have a designated date night.

- What a wonderful life it would be to find someone who let me be myself, but was still able to inspire and support me to be a better version of myself. I would like to find someone who wants that kind of woman, and who can be that kind of man.

- I don't know if you know this about me, but as much as I try to let it go, I am a planner. I often know weeks in advance what my social activities will be for the next month. And at the same time, I absolutely LOVE to throw caution to the wind, take off in the car or on a plane and just go have a time - without the day planner. To find someone who could bring that out in me a bit more, would be awesome.

- The man I love would need to be happy, relaxed and positive about life, and share that enthusiasm with the people around him. Just like I do.

- And since I am trying to be a healthier version of me, I would like to find someone who isn't opposed to lean meats, fruits and salads. And someone who loves me as I am now, but supports me becoming a better version of myself, without being a meanie-pants about it. And someone who will also go for hikes with me, or rent a kayak, or go for a bike ride. If he isn't running beside me in a race? I'd like him to come cheer me on, and have snacks for when I'm done.

- I want to find someone who wants to grow old with me - Jennifer Bennett, not just any warm body - beside him.

- And lastly, if we were to get married, I would want something simple, but nice. Backyard, or destination beach type wedding - with a reasonable price limit. I'm not that fancy...

That about sums it up. I think. For now, anyways.

Christ, that was a long list. I suppose I could have done it by simply listing things like: honest. fun. hard working. reliable. trustworthy. goal oriented... but where is the fun in that, eh? And you will kindly notice that there isn't one single shallow quality on that list. It isn't about height, weight, hair colour... Not when you are looking for it from a place of confidence, security, peace and love.

I hope that you have your own love list - fulfilled already, or composed and waiting. And I hope that you are having an awesome day!

xoxox
~J

My 1 year Love/Hate Relationship with Trainer Mike.

2011-07-09T09:54:00.007-04:00

I recently celebrated a 1 year anniversary of a relationship that I sometimes question, sometimes love, and sometimes hate. Since June of 2010, I have actually PAID to be bossed around, given instructions, and beaten up on a twice weekly basis.

There must be something freaking wrong with me!!!

Oh, Trainer Mike, you overly energetic, brimming-with-knowledge, ridiculously cheery, bossy, passionate fool. It is impossible not to love you....even when I sometimes hate you. You know what I'm talking about here.... Static lunges are my nemesis, squats annoy the hell out of me, calf raises just plain ol' frigging hurt, triceps dips are irritating and don't even get me started on push ups!!!

Thing is Mike, you bring a personal touch to these business arrangements of yours.
The fact that you actually showed up to celebrate my 100lb loss and watch me Burn My Pants? That floored me.
Arriving at Feather's 40th Birthday party with a bleeding ear? Gross, but awesome!
When you ran Sherry's first ever 10km right beside her!?! Just wow.
The fact that you put your sweet kids to bed and then hauled ass to make it to Blog Out Loud Ottawa to hear me read!?! I don't even have words for this one....

Oh, there are definitely times when I get a little lost in the conversation, not really registering what the hell you're talking about, and wondering why oh why!? did I ask that question?!?

Me: "What is a macro nutrient again?"
You (with your fancy degrees n' sh*t): "There are three primary macro nutrients defined as being the classes of chemical compounds humans consume in the largest quantities and which provide bulk energy. These are protein, fat, and carbohydrate. Can you give me examples of foods that might fall into those 3 categories?"
Me: "Never mind. Forget I asked. I'll just google it."

The days that you increase the weights on me!? And I tell you that "I can't do that" and you just patiently say "Yes you can, Jennifer. You're tough. Now give me 10 reps."
You really should have been keeping count of how many times you have gotten to look at me and proudly say "See? I knew you could do it. You really are strong, Jennifer. That was a great job!"

Now that we have gone through a few phases of this weight training nonsense, I honestly do understand why I had to "learn my body and mind-muscle connection" before we moved on to lifting those heavy weights and building the muscle, in order to transition in to endurance. Or, as I like to call it "60 minutes of hell."

I love how I can tell you that I hate you. And you simply smile and say "You're welcome." knowing that you are pushing me outside my comfort zone...where, let's be honest, there really is only mac n' cheese.

I think that your degree in psychology is a HUGE contributing factor in our success, because you have understood from the get go, without me really even having to explain it, that it was going to take a LOT of time before I would fully trust you. Justifiably so. I am a girl with many issues.

Over the past year, you have become a cheerleader, team-player, friend and therapist to me. Ummmmmm...by the way, what's said at Mike's stays at Mike's, right!?!
No judgement. No scolding. Just pure acceptance and support. And an astonishing number of high fives.

For all of these reasons, I now fully believe in the necessity of a personal trainer for anyone who is going through a massive life change like this. It isn't just about losing fat and gaining muscle. It isn't just about what we eat, or when we eat it. It is also about taking the time for ourselves - an hour or two per week where we don't have to think about anyone or anything else. When I am working out with you, it is all about ME. MY needs, and MY goals.

Honestly, it makes me so happy to know that I don't really have to think at all when I'm at your place. I just show up, do whatever you tell me to do as complaint-free as I can, and then head home knowing that I have done something great for myself.

I know that money is a factor for people...I am no exception to that, especially with my recent pay cut...but cutting back on foolish trips to Shoppers Drug Mart, twice weekly visits to restaurants, Starbucks 3x a week, crappy no-good-for-your-brain magazines, and convenience store trips for junk food are all totally worth it.

So, Trainer Mike, you fire-jumping, Spartan-Race-Running, Ironman-Training fool...I just want to say thanks. For all the encouragement, direction and advice. Thanks for the 25 pounds of fat lost, and the 15 pounds of muscle gained. Thank you for making me stronger - mentally and physically. Thank you for showing me that the words "I can't" don't really exist for me anymore. Thank you for teaching me that strength is confidence. And that confidence is sexy. My body thanks you, too. As well as my soon-to-be, not-yet-found hopefully HOT husband! Hahahaha.... ;)

You kinda sorta totally rock. Just sayin'.
Don't ever bring this post up though! I don't want you gettin' all mushy n' sh*t on me.

Have an AWESOME day everyone! And if you, or anyone else that you know, is looking for a fantastic personal trainer in the central-west area of Ottawa...for one on one sessions, or to get a custom built program (which is an awesome and much cheaper alternative!) that you can take with you to the gym, I promise you, Mike is your man. Truly.

xoxox

~Jenn

Loud n' proud...

2011-07-08T19:33:00.003-04:00

I swear to you, my phone has been blowing up with tags, texts, emails, mentions, links, comments, support, kudo's, tweets, and love since BOLO last night. Literally, non. stop.

My whole life I have gathered troops around me - anywhere and everywhere. I could literally make friends with a tree. I gather people to love, people who love me, people to laugh with, people to have fun with....but hardly ever people to really open up to. No, no, no. Let's talk about you! I have always spent waaaaaaay more time inquiring about their lives, what made them tick, and learning all about the things that made them unique, so that I wouldn't have to crack myself wide open and let anyone in.

That is the sad and brutal truth of it, really.

But part of my journey has been about learning to open myself up and trusting that people won't take my genuine love for them and smack me in the face with it. I am figuring out how to let people see my hurt, pick me up when I fall, help me carry the load, and I am letting them know and love me.

It's time. And I absolutely deserve to get back what I have always given out so freely.

Last night, I was amazed at how a room full of strangers, with a common interest in the written word, could come together and hold me up - and I am not quite sure how I knew that it would be an okay place to share as openly as I did, but somehow, I could sense it would be okay before I even got there. And by the time I was done? Man oh man, I could feel the energy being poured into me...because I am open to it now. And. It. Is. Awesome.

To watch the video of the Blog Out Loud Ottawa (BOLO) post that I read last night, please click here.

And to read the much better, happier and stronger list of my Top 10 Bests, please click here.

I am filled with gratitude, and sending all that love, energy and support right back atcha kid.

Have an AWESOME day!
xoxox
~J

Standing ovations, and money saved on therapy.

2011-07-08T02:04:00.003-04:00

I swear to God, I woke up yesterday morning thinking that I could, and maybe should, bail out on Blog Out Loud Ottawa. Nobody would notice, even if my name was on printed materials, would they? Perhaps simply pass along my weak, fake excuse of being "sick", and I could avoid facing the music altogether.

It really wouldn't have mattered if I didn't go, right? Right!?! Wrong.

I am relatively new to blogging, sharing my stories and thoughts with the handful of people who may happen to stumble across my wee corner of the interweb...never really writing for anyone else but myself, but somehow knowing that it was bigger than just that.

I don't put too much thought into what I write, I don't double check my grammar, and I never break out the thesaurus. On rare occasions I re-read, sometimes I spell check, but usually I ramble about whatever has been weighing on my mind, release it, and keep on truckin'.

When I made this post, which was selected for BOLO 2011, I did it to address and release the negative energy and voices that had weighed me down my whole life. Yes, I am an adult now, who is responsible for herself and her actions....but every single thing on that list affected me in a profound and negative way.

Some people write letters and never send them, some people confront their demons face to face, some people burn things... Me? I wrote a list.

And last night I read it out loud to a room full of strangers - many of whom will become friends, I suspect. I stood in front of a crowd, behind a podium, with my knees absolutely bouncing beyond my control, and I shared. I stuffed Kleenex in my bra - just in case - and promptly forgot that I had done so. Thankfully I didn't really need them, despite a few tears, because I could feel the support from everyone in the room.

Once the crowd cheered loudly for me after point #1, I knew that I was going to be okay. This amazing and supportive crowd of writers, photographers, and lovers of words cheered for me again after #6, and I think #9. It was all a bit of a blur, so I'm not entirely sure what the hell happened up there to be honest. My bestfriends video taped it...maybe I will post it ~~someday~~ tomorrow.

When I was done, they all stood in solidarity and support for this chick who they had never laid eyes on before. Wow. Like really....wow. I could feel their sympathy, but more importantly, their strength and pride in me for having been "so brave" for getting up there.

Thank you for thinking I am brave and strong. Trust me, I felt brave too.

I am humbled beyond words by the people who came up to me afterwards to thank me, hug me, tell me that I "nailed it", or to say that they were moved and touched by me and my story.

Nope. There was absolutely no way I could have backed out on doing this tonight. Not a chance in hell...for a lot of reasons, I needed to do that. Not least of which, is to save myself the $140.00 per hour that therapy normally costs.

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!
xoxox
~J

145 kms. Because I can.

2011-07-06T20:32:00.004-04:00

On August 6th and 7th, I will be taking part in the MS Rona Ride To Kemptville for the second year in a row. When I did it last year, it was a 5000 calorie burn kind of day (thank you Bodybugg for that info!)...a day spent with a great friend...and a day that made me proud of myself and my accomplishments to that point.

80 kilometres. On a bike. In just over 4 hours. Hardly something I had ever done before. Or even thought I would do. Like.....ever.

So naturally, because I am clearly not the same girl I was 2 years ago, I signed up for the ride again this year. The 2 day ride. 80 kms on Saturday, and even if I can barely move on Sunday, it is 65 kms back in to Ottawa.

Thankfully, I have never been directly affected by any major disease, but I do know people who are living with MS. My team leader has been riding for years because his wife has MS. He was recently diagnosed as well. An old friends husband got diagnosed a few months back.

Now that I have discovered an active life, I cannot imagine slowly losing the ability to run, walk, ice skate, maintain my balance, or ride my bike. I cannot fathom slowly losing the ability to speak, or carry groceries, or hold a newborn baby.

I don't ride because I am afflicted, I ride because I can.

This is a fundraiser, and I know that we all hate asking for money, buuuuttttttt.... I am asking anyways.
I have already reached my minimum goal, I am putting this out there on the chance you or someone you know might want to pledge me, please click here.

I hope that you are well and healthy, and having an AWESOME day!
xoxox
~J